Operation Arepa

Happy New Year LPs,

Now that 2026 has arrived, I want to take a quick second to reflect. I started Jabroni Capital 2 years ago. At the time, I wasn’t sure exactly how things would turn out. I was 26 years old, my business wasn’t really working, and I felt like I wasn’t pursuing an authentic career. But then I started this newsletter, and I realized I could make a living doing what I always loved: saying silly things. In 2025, we crossed 150k total followers, we launched a funny software product, hired a team of even funnier people than me, and started making more money than any of my former businesses.

So thank you to everyone who helped me get here today. In the beginning, hundreds of friends, former colleagues, and clients pushed me to keep making content. Now 10s of thousands of strangers push me to keep making stuff every day. Because of all of you, I’m confident 2026 will be a hell of a year.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz ends campaign for reelection after Somali daycares’ funding campaign was forced to shut down. “When you lose 90% of your funding because of a 20-year-old with an iPhone camera, there’s not much you can do,” said Tim Walz. (CNN)

Denmark Tells Trump to ‘Stop the Threats’ about Greenland. “We had an emergency meeting early Monday morning to write a strongly worded letter to the U.S.,” commented EU President Ursula von der Leyen (NYT)

U.S. oil companies gain after capture of Venezuela’s Maduro. Valero, Halliburton, and Chevron execs celebrate after seeing stocks move +10% early Monday morning. “We shredded all of our documents pertaining to ‘green energy’ initiatives; the only green energy we want is money,” said CEOs in a joint statement. (BBC)

The Heist of Maduro

Early morning January 3rd, President Donald Trump announced that U.S. armed forces had successfully captured Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro. 

Now obviously, this came out left field for most of us (unless you were the guy who “coincidentally” bet Maduro would be captured on Polymarket just hours before it happened). 

So here’s the context. 

As all of you know by now, Venezuela has a lot of oil. Like, 20% of the entire world's supply. But instead of having palaces and Ferraris like Saudi Arabians, they have food shortages and drug problems. This is largely because Venezuelan leaders massively fumbled their bags. 

Their problems started in the 1970s when they nationalized their oil industry. This meant that even foreign oil companies would have to be owned in part by the government. In theory, this is good because it allows the government to profit from its own oil and not get raped (cough cough like Iran by the British). For a while, this nationalized oil thing worked well for Venezuela. But like most socialist ideals, one selfish person can fuck up the whole idea. 

This selfish retard was Hugo Chavez. In the late 90s, Venezuela produced 3M barrels of oil a day. Pretty fucking good. But Chavez, in classic dictator fashion, wanted to gain the people’s support in the country. So he introduced legislation that did two things:

1) Took more control over private oil companies like Chevron/Exxon, which made it way harder for them to make money, so companies like Exxon left the country. 

2) Wildly overspent oil revenue on social programs instead of re-investing to maintain, build, and modernize infrastructure, which would have increased revenue further. 

These two decisions over the course of 20 years destroyed Venezuelan oil infrastructure and caused production to drop from 3M barrels in 2000 to a low of 520k/day in 2020. 

Then one day, the selfish retard died, and Nicolas Maduro took over. Instead of fixing the country's issues, he continued Chavez’s policies and cared more about growing his dictator mustache than the economy. (In fairness, the stache is sweet)

Unfortunately for Maduro, he clearly isn’t a history buff. Because if he were, he would know that when the U.S. wants a natural resource in South America, they will overthrow your government to get it. If you thought we cared about bananas in the 1900s, then you better bet your bottom dollar we care about oil in 2026. 

Maduro's failure wasn’t his selfishness. America doesn’t mind dictators, as long as they don’t fuck up our economic interests. For those that don’t know, the U.S. is propped up by the oil trade, 5400 nuclear warheads, and hot blondes. Oil is priced in U.S. dollars, which props up our economy. But if a sneaky mustached dictator were to start selling huge quantities of oil not in the dollar, and U.S.enemies, that could seriously harm the U.S. economy. 

Here’s the reality. It’s fine if you want to do two of the following three things:

1. Be a dictator with a cool mustache

2. Ally with Iran, North Korea, Russia, and China

3. Nationalize your oil

But if you simultaneously check all three of these boxes, a Delta Force strike team will capture you while you’re sleeping and throw you into a jail cell with P Diddy. 

Just look at Saudi Arabia. Supreme leader with a sweet mustache, nationalized oil, but not allied with Iran. In case you haven’t noticed, Delta Force isn’t showing up at his palace. 

So I know what you’re thinking. How will this affect me and my stock portfol- Sorry, auto correct keeps jumping in. I meant to say, how will this affect the Venezuelan people? The reality is it’s too early to tell. But as a history buff who loves South American coups, I can tell you they’ll DEFINITELY have free elections and profit off of U.S. influence. 

I’m sure many people will ask for my personal opinion since I’m a respected expert on geopolitics. If this had gone poorly, I would have said it was selfish and deplorable for the government to try to overthrow Venezuela. But luckily, it went great, and I own a ton of Chevron stock. 

God bless America, and I’ll see you at the Four Seasons in Caracas.

Work For Jabroni Capital

We’re hiring a writer for our content agency. This is a great opportunity, considering there are like 15 companies hiring in the continental U.S. right now. Somehow, we’re one of them.

What you’ll do:

• Write LinkedIn/X posts for businesses

• Make or source funny memes

• Learn about cool industries

• Help run client calls (bonus points if you make fun of me in front of clients)

Who you are:

• You still know how to write and aren’t ChatGPT-brained (we can tell immediately if you are)

• You have a sense of humor

• You have made viral content for yourself or other clients

• You understand how to write hooks and structure posts for LinkedIn

• You love making content & are obsessed with getting better at it

If this sounds like a role you would be good at, apply below:

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital, I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter.

Memes

Can’t believe we woke up to this shit.

I thought this was fake at first, but somehow it’s real and that’s even funnier.

The new leader of Venezuela looks familiar.

This sketch predicted the future.

Song of the Day

I’ve been obsessed with this song. It’s one of those tracks that finds you at the right moment in time. The lyrics speak about grinding to be the best at your job, make money, and climb to the top. But for everyone who’s caught up in the grind, eventually you realize you’re running from something. If you feel caught up in pressure to make a ton of money. Put your headphones on, go for a walk, and listen to this song.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital