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OpenAI Assassination
Sam Altman was awkwardly grilled about the suspicious death of one of his employees...
Jack Kuveke & James Kuveke
September 18, 2025
Good morning LPs,
Next Thursday, September 25th, I will be hanging out in NYC at a game night for startup founders and investors. These events are hosted by dope friend Safi, and the people & vibe are very cool. So if you work in tech and want to hang out with me next week, sign up here.
I will be the guy getting hammered, throwing dice, and offending every other attendee in the corner of the room.
Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.
Hard and Fast News
fake headlines, real news
Trump calls for the placement of a mandatory quarterly filing with 6-month SEC reporting instead. “It’s been too long since we’ve had a good Enron,” said Trump in a press conference. (Reuters)
Nepal Gen Z calls for the resignation of the newly elected PM less than 72 hours after choosing her by Discord vote. Nobody surprised. (Al Jazeera)
Trump hints at signing TikTok deal with China. Analysts speculate that Larry Ellison will purchase the app. “I made $100 billion in like 2 hours, I’m buying TikTok, TicTac, whatever the hell I want,” announced Larry Ellison. (CNN)
Trump threatens to pull federal funding for New York state after Governor Hochul endorses NYC mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani. “We have zero fucking idea what’s happening,” said Harvard Law professor when questioned on the legality of a potential move. (Politico)
Tucker Carlson Confronts Sam Altman
🚨NEW: Sam Altman is confronted by Tucker Carlson about the death of the OpenAI whistleblower, Suchir Balaji (WILD) 😲
Sam Altman suggests that Tucker Carlson is accusing him of murder.
"I haven't done too many interviews where I have been accused of murder."
— Autism Capital 🧩 (@AutismCapital)
6:30 PM • Sep 10, 2025
Last week, legendary journalist and arbiter of totally unbiased truth, Tucker Carlson, published an interview with notable rich gay guy, Sam Altman (who I guess is also the CEO of OpenAI).
In the hour-long conversation, they talked about many ethical dilemmas, such as AI sentience, ChatGPT-induced suicides, and AI’s potential use in warfare. But by far the best part of the interview was when Tucker Carlson openly questioned Altman about the death of one of his former employees.
For those that don’t know, in November of 2024, OpenAI engineer Suchir Balaji was found dead in his SF apartment just weeks after whistleblowing on OpenAI for violating U.S. copyright law. Although his death was ruled a suicide, the circumstances leading up to it were certainly questionable.
There was no blood on the gun.
He had GHB (the date rape drug) in his system.
He ordered and picked up dinner just hours before committing apparent suicide.
The cameras in his building mysteriously stopped working the day of (Remember Epstein?)
A second independent autopsy claimed the wound was from the back of the head.
Had plans to see his family, left no note, and was apparently in “good spirits”.
Jabroni Capital is still undecided on whether this was a murder. Many of our employees have tragically shot themselves in the back of the head after threatening our management team.
What we do know, however, is that this interview is hilarious. Tucker essentially baits Altman into saying his death was a suicide, and then Carlson immediately says he thinks the death was a murder. It was at this point that Altman knew he fucked up.
Tucker spent the next 7 minutes making Altman revert to his autistic, awkward, and software engineer ways as he avoided eye contact and rambled. Sam clearly should have studied Boeing’s masterclass on how to kill your whistleblowing employees. (Coincidentally, I’ve taken that class 3 times)
In light of this, let me explain what you should do if you “allegedly” kill one of your employees.
Step 1: Thoughts and prayers. If you’ve killed any of your employees, it’s critical that you say you’re thinking and praying for them.
Step 2: Donation. You’ve just saved a lot of money by making this problem go away. Use those profits to donate to a charity in your victim’s name. Ideally, suicide prevention, trans rights, or some animal bullshit.
Step 3: Confrontation. When confronted with their death, repeat step 1, remind people of what you’ve done in step 2, and then immediately begin talking about boring topics. Mention new technology, your profit margins, and generally just ramble endlessly about random numbers until people are so bored they stop caring about the death.
Step 4: Sponsorships. If steps 1-3 aren’t working, it’s time to resort to your nuclear option: sponsoring news and journalists. Tucker Carlson interviewed the president of Iran and didn’t bring up any of the horrible shit their country has done, because they sponsor The Tucker Carlson show. At the end of the day, people stop asking questions when you pay them enough money.
If you need any other help on how to navigate corporate affairs, don’t hesitate to let Jabroni Capital know.
Hire My Brother
My brother Chris and I in Paris.
If you’re looking to stalk an ex, blackmail your rich uncle, or see if your investor’s funds come from Pakistani labor farms, you should hire my brother Chris.
Jokes aside, Chris is an ex-Wall Street broker with his Series 7/66, who uses his skills to do research, due diligence, and investigation for non-profits, startups, and companies’ new markets.
His work has been published in the Wall Street Journal, New York Times, and Financial Times, and has formed the basis of much U.S. climate legislation.
Regardless of whatever kind of investigation or competitor analysis you need done, Chris is your guy.
Also, if you don’t hire him, he’ll gonna give me a wet willie and a supreme wedgie.
If you’re interested in getting in touch with Chris, respond to this email or shoot him a message here: [email protected].
If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital, I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter.
Memes
This is my favorite meme we’ve made in a while.
This is excellent.
Me when people slide into my DMs.
Song of the Day
I used to listen to this song all the time when I was 20, living in Belgrade, Serbia. Nothing is better than rediscovering a song you used to love and listening to it with fresh ears. This guy makes really lovely music, and I used to love listening to this track as I wandered through Airports across Europe.
Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.
Last week, we celebrated my Grandfathers 90th Birthday. The whole family showed up looking sharp, but as usual, my father stole the show.
I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)
How was the newsletter today? |
That’s all for this week folks,
Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital
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