Nuclear War

Good afternoon LPs,

Thank you to everyone who came to the event I hosted in NYC last night. I was slightly nervous about meeting some of you, because if you’re an avid fan of this newsletter there’s a 78% chance you have a mental condition. But thankfully it was a success, and no one ended up streaking through bar naked (like last time). If you’re in NYC and want to come hang with the JC team, we’ll do more events later this summer.

Anyway let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

Diddy tells judge on the first day of his trial, “I’m a little nervous”, which is ironically what everyone said before his parties. (NBC)

DoorDash acquired Deliveroo for $3.9 Billion citing “minorities on scooters” as top performing asset. (TechCrunch)

Trump proposes reopening Alcatraz and making Hillary Clinton the first prisoner. (New York Times)

Trump asks the Canadian Prime Minister if he can buy Canada using 70 billion payments of $19.99. (CBS)

India Vs Pakistan

On Tuesday, India fired missiles into Pakistan in retaliation to a terrorist attack that happened a few weeks back. For those of you who don’t watch an autistic amount of YouTube videos on historical border conflicts, let me break down what’s going on here. 

To understand the situation we have to go back to the United Kingdom during the 1600s. Basically those pasty white guys with fucked up teeth realized that food could have flavor and tea didn’t have to taste like wet socks (as per their traditions). So how did they solve this? The way they solved every problem: imperialism. 

So Britain set up some trading posts in India, encroached on land, and yada yada yada 200 years later they owned all of India and Pakistan, which surprise surprise people weren’t stoked about. Fast forward to 1947 and a skinny Indian guy (Gandhi) finally defeated the British’s military by just not eating for like 3 months. 

Great Britain's final gift to the world was to grant India’s independence, but only after splitting up the country into India and Pakistan, and displacing 10s of millions of people along religious lines (Hindu/Sikh/Muslim). This partition was violently disputed and half a million people died in riots - thanks Great Britain. 

Fast forward to today, shit has gotten a lot worse. Back then they basically beat the fuck out of one another with sticks, which sucked, but wasn’t a world ending threat. The violence has continued, but unfortunately instead of using sticks both countries have advanced drone technology and an arsenal of nukes. Awesome. Once again thanks Great Britain. 

So how is the world reacting to this? Here’s the summary:

• In America, woke college kids and girls in Brooklyn haven’t figured out that Pakistan and Palestine are different countries, and they’re just more mad at Israel. 

• China is pissed as fuck this happening close to their border, so they’re constructing a “great wall” that will keep out nuclear radiation and Xi Jipings greatest fear, the worst body odor ever generated from any armed conflict. 

• Russia is pretty stoked this is happening. Putin knows the American public has the attention span of a goldfish, and they might forget about the rest of the world long enough for him to take Ukraine. 

• Great Britain is eating crumpets or some bullshit and pretending that this isn’t their fault. Once again, thanks guys. 

This whole situation sucks. But it’s important to remember that from great tragedy comes even greater financial opportunity. While everyone is throwing spears at each other, open up a spear shop and sell them to both sides. Which is why Jabroni Capital is opening a deodorant factory on the border of the conflict. Because god knows if they keep running around in the sun all day, they’re going to need it.

I Built the Dumbest App of All Time

One of my biggest pet peeves is going out to a bar and not having anywhere comfortable to sit. I know this sounds like a first world problem, and it is. But I’m not a starving child in Yemen, so my problems are a little different.

Either way, a couple years ago I wanted to build an app that would tell you where all the best bars with couches are in NYC.

So I teamed up with my buddy Jason to build the app and we filmed ourselves as we traveled around NYC searching for it. Watch the full episode below:

Join My Webinar For Founders Raising $1-3M

Time for a shameless plug

Aside from saying offensive things I also help startup founders raise money. Believe or not, I might actually be better than shitposting.

That’s why I’m hosting two free webinars next Wednesday and Thursday for founders who are raising $1-3M this year.

In the past year I’ve helped pre-seed and seed founders raise $150M+and have been told my workshops don’t make people want to stab out their eyes.

3,000+ founders have come to these webinars, so if you also want help sign up for either of the days below.

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter. Shout to Blaise for referring the most subs last week!

Memes

thechainsmokers

7M followers

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Can’t believe they secured the best investor in silicon valley.

jabronicap

15K followers

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If Paul Graham says jump, you jump.

We need to arrest this man.

Song of the Day

Today’s song is a throwback to my high school days. Back in the mid 2010s when every other 17 year old was listening to cool shit like Drake, I was obsessed with The Cure. Their album disintegration is one of the best of 80s, and I probably listened to this song 500 times driving too and from school.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital