- Jabroni Capital
- Posts
- México Invades NYC
Good afternoon LPs,
On Friday I’m leaving to go to Italy and France for a week and I couldn’t be more mentally ready. For the next 5 days I’m using every remaining braincell I have to fish my work before I can turn my phone and laptop off for a week and check the fuck out.
Anyway let’s get into today’s newsletter.
Hard and Fast News
fake headlines, real news
Biden was diagnosed with aggressive ass cancer over the weekend. “It’s the only aggressive thing in him” says Trump after offering condolences. (The Hill)
Diddy was disappointed in court after learning “cross examining” doesn’t involve physical contact. (NBC)
Big pharma responds after Trump signs executive order to lower drug prices for Americans “Have fun with your girlfriends when we stop making SSRIs” says Eli Llilly CEO. (White House)
Moody's downgrades US credit rating. When polled, most Americans responded “What the fuck is a Moody’s?”(CNBC)
México Invades NYC
I want to take a second to address the allegations that Jabroni Capital is written by AI. These claims are damaging and untrue. I have been slaving away at this newsletter since November of 2023, and not once have I ever used AI to write content. Instead I use good old fashion free labor, and call my identical twin brother James and beg him to help me write a newsletter every Monday and Wednesday morning.
As you can see by his expression, James loves working with me.
In case you can’t tell, James and I are stalling. We woke up today refreshed and ready to write content for the newsletter. But all of our ideas fell through. At first we were going to write about the Mexican Navy ship that crashed into the Brooklyn Bridge.
This is insane footage of the Mexican Navy ship crashing into the Brooklyn Bridge.
What would you even do if you were up on that mast?
— Bruce (@bruce_barrett)
7:07 PM • May 18, 2025
There was an obvious albeit cheap joke to be made about tequila and mariachi bands, but when we found out the boat was on a mission to “spread the Mexican people's message of peace and goodwill” our normally stone cold hearts warmed. Also two people died and it was clear this was no longer content, and just a tragedy.
It was now 10:25 AM and we were spiraling. Our top premise and all of the funny bits we had planned were thrown in garbage. We pivoted to the next biggest piece of news we could find: Joe Biden’s cancer diagnosis. I mean Jesus fucking Christ, what do you guys want me to say? He’s an ancient gargoyle, can’t form a sentence, and now he has butt cancer. I just feel bad and can’t make fun of this.
So next we considered writing about how X’s AI chatbot Grok has been allegedly denying the holocaust.
But there’s nothing funny to say about this, obviously the Holocaust never happened.
KIDDING. This may come as a surprise to our readers, but not once in the entire history of Jabroni Capital have we denied the holocaust, even though we may come across as guys who would. That being said, here’s a list of things we will happily deny:
Eating the last slice of pizza (that was definitely not us)
Being out of ideas for today’s newsletter
Having a father who doesn’t love me (my dad definitely loves me, he’s just busy and can’t take my calls)
Being huge fans of the Harry Potter franchise (I would never admit to being a fan of a magical world where I could escape into)
Listen I get it, this isn’t the normal newsletter you look forward to reading. But sometimes being funny is hard. Most newsletters just have to report quasi factual news. But we have to report the news and make it funny. Unfortunately, sometimes the news is about a tragic shipwreck and an old man dying, and we’re not nearly rich enough to take the reputational risk required to make fun of this. I promise you, if we were rich enough, we would. That’s honesty. What more can you ask for from a news outlet? Every other journalist and writer is willing to lie to you, I’m not. Unless I was richer, then I totally would.
If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter.
Memes
This is one of the greatest videos ever made. Hats off to The Onion team.
I hope to be able to do this some day.
Let the record show that I don’t think accountants are people.
Song of the Day
Last Friday I went to 20 person indie rock concert in Bushwick and as you might expect, I looked like the only one in there that had a retirement account. Shows like these are hit or miss, and most of the time the bands are straight garbage. The first band was ass and we nearly walked out. But then the final band called Polaroid Fade got on stage, and I was pleasantly surprised. They sounded like a mix of some of my favorite 90s bands, and despite being the youngest musicians at the show were by far the best. Even though there were less than 2 dozen people at the concert, they performed their hearts out. They’re the kind of band you want to root for. Give them a listen and if they’re in your city, go to their show.
Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.
Me at beginning of a night, just before I got out and make a ton of questionable life choices.
I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)
How was the newsletter today? |
That’s all for this week folks,
Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital
Reply