Launched Into Space

Good morning LPs,

Out of fear of another dip in the stock market, I’ve liquidated my portfolio and put everything into the most stable asset I could think of: Beanie Babies. If this doesn’t protect me from market turmoil I’m going to launch myself into space like Katy Perry.

Anyway let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

After watching White Lotus, Deel CEO realizes it’s easier to just flee the country than to fight lawsuits. (Techcrunch)

Startup giant Figma sends cease and desist to startup for using their Trademark “Dev Mode”. This news comes right after Tyler Perry sues Jabroni Capital for our use of “hellllll naaawwww” (Techcrunch)

Harvard University gets $2.2B in U.S. grant money frozen. The president of the university stated, “I’m not sure how we’ll survive with only $53.2B in our endowment”. (X)

Zuckerberg offers to put Joe Biden in a headlock if Trump pardons him after the FTC vs Meta trial (NBC)

Reporters Shit on Space Tourism

Earlier this week Katy Perry and a gaggle of rich and famous ladies went to space on a Blue Origin flight. Naturally, the Atlantic and other woke news outlets immediately began shitting on space tourism as a tone-deft waste of funding. 

Personally I fully support space exploration and I’ve already sent a proposal to Elon Musk for a couple potential candidates to be the first brave men and women to colonize mars. 

Here’s who I would launch into space first: 

• Mitch McConnell 

• My mother in the law

• My ex-Stacy and her iPhone with incriminating evidence 

• Marc Andreessen (because he already looks like an alien)

• The bodega employee on west 23rd St who said my hair makes me look like a Costco brand Keanu Reeves. 

• The clown from Stephen King’s “It”.

• Stephen King for making me scared of drains. 

I don’t know why reporters always get upset when billionaires spend money on space travel. Whenever a rich guy buys an island and locks children in a basement we don’t hear a peep from The Atlantic. But when a couple gals sing 2010’s bangers in space and no one gets molested, that’s when people freak out? Seems fishy. 

But like always I’m solution oriented, so I’ve come up with a compromise that will appease both space fanatics and blue haired communist journalists. 

The idea: send illegal immigrants into space. 

I understand sending rich people like Katy Perry into space is a bad look. I also understand that we don’t have enough opportunity in our country for the influx of migrants. But where are there bountiful opportunities? The fucking moon. 

I’ve always wanted to go to space. But I have a hard rule that I don’t travel anywhere without a Four Seasons and luxury amenities. And right now the moon dick-all to offer (other than a mid-tier view). But if we send a labor force to the moon we can both provide jobs and make it a travel destination for the rich and famous. 

Just think about it, no one has a problem when rich people fly private to go to a villa in Cabo, México. So if we just have migrants from Cabo build Cabo 2.0 on the moon, no one will have a problem with Katy Perry flying private to visit. Problem solved.

Make Intros, Make Money

Time for a shameless plug

A couple weeks ago I introduced one of my friends to my uncle who promised he, “definitely wasn’t a loan shark”.

This got me asking myself, “why the fuck don’t get I paid for introductions”.

Well it turns out you can. That’s why today’s newsletter is brought to you by Superconnector.

Every time you successfully introduce a company to a warm lead they’ll pay you for the lead AND the close.

• Is your friend about to get sued for not offering health insurance to employees? Refer them to a benefits HR provider to make $1k for the lead & $1k on close.

• Did a VC offer your cousin a check for his fake AI startup even though he doesn’t have a bank account yet? Refer him to a bank & make $1k.

So if you’re interested in finally getting paid for you network, sign up below:

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter. Shout out to Harris and Dan.

Memes

iamjasonlevin

15K followers

View more on Instagram

Employees have gotten selfish and greedy.

jabronicap

13K followers

View more on Instagram

Timing is everything.

jabronicap

13K followers

View more on Instagram

Building a company will be fun they said. You’ll get to pick your own hours they said.

Song of the Day

I know I make a lot of jokes about having daddy issues, but I think it’s time I break the 4th wall and come clean: I have a great relationship with my father. It was his birthday this week so I want to take a second to dedicate today’s newsletter to him. Some of my favorite childhood memories are when my dad would drive me to baseball games, and we’d listen to this album from the Fine Young Cannibals. My dad was busy shit running his own business and somehow found time to prioritize his kids. When I was 20 he came with me on a business trip to Belgrade, Serbia to meet the team behind the cryptocurrency I was running marketing for. Most parents would tell you you’re fucking crazy to consider dropping out of college and moving to Eastern Europe to run a crypto. My dad was the first person to tell me I should. He’s an avid reader of Jabroni Capital and has been a die hard supporter of me derailing my tech career to pursue comedy.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here. 

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital