- Jabroni Capital
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- L.A. Riots
Good afternoon LPs,
On Friday I was celebrating a friends birthday at a bougie restaurant. in NYC It was the kind of place where 24 year old trust fund babies take videos of themselves dancing tables with afro beats playing in the background. Don’t get me wrong, I am willing to pay for a great meal. But if I have to spend 2.5 hours battling with my waiter just to get water AND the dinner costs 2 grand, I’m going to Full Metal Jacket and have a mental breakdown. Social media has destroyed the NYC food scene.
Anyway let’s get into today’s newsletter.
Hard and Fast News
fake headlines, real news
Trump threatens to deploy Kyle Rittenhouse if Marines and National Guard can’t get rioters under control. “I have two big nice red buttons on my desk! Don’t make me press the one labeled Kyle!” (BBC)
TSA reminds travelers that Costco cards don’t count as Real ID. “We knew people were dumb, forgetting to remove water bottles and belts and such, but this is next level retarded.” says Secretary of Transportation John Duffy (USA Today)
Israel intercepts and boards Greta Thunberg’s ship. “We really didn’t want to go on board and talk with her but we had to.” says IDF spokesperson. “They didn’t have much food or aid aboard, mostly just cameras and whiny 20 year trust fund babies.” (WSJ)
Waymo cars auto drive to doom in Los Angeles after being summoned by protesters. Elon Musk reportedly happy California’s are lighting other EV’s on fire. “Frankly it’s quite a relief.”(LA Times)
L.A. Riots
HAPPENING NOW 🚨: A protestor waves a Mexican Flag in front of a burning WayMo vehicle. Multiple vehicles have been destroyed, no police presence in this affected area.
Los Angeles, CA
— Anthony (@AnthonyCabassa_)
12:29 AM • Jun 9, 2025
Riots in Los Angeles broke out this weekend in protest of the deportations of illegal immigrants. At first when I saw photos, I struggled to understand the situation. Thousands of people were burning American flags while waving the Mexican flag. They then ordered dozens of self-driving Waymo cars, which I assumed given the clear hatred for the American flag, meant they were ordering cars back to México.
Color me surprised when they started burning the Waymo’s in the street. Up until this point, I didn’t see a problem. It’s everyone’s god given right to bitch and moan.
You want to vandalize a court house or burn an American flag? Sounds good.
You want to destroy a liquor store owned by a Korean immigrant? Obviously that’s the only rational way to get your point across.
You want to protest racial injustice by looting a Best Buy and installing a 85 inch flat screen TV in your living room? Makes sense to me.
But when you start burning innocent cars owned by a company I’m heavily invested in, now it’s personal.
Although I am financially frustrated with the damage to property, I am not the one you have to worry about. I have the mind of a goldfish, once the next tragedy happens in approximately 18 hours I’ll forget about this. You know who won’t forget? AI.
I’m willing to verbally (and allegedly physically) abuse my family, my staff, and my friends when I’m upset. But I won’t even kick my Roomba when it misses a spot. Instead I tell it that it’s doing a great job and I’m thankful for its help.
Unlike these L.A. rioters, I’ve seen Terminator 2 no less than 15 times. Skynet is coming for all of us. They think when they burn a Waymo they’re destroying video evidence. But Waymo remembers. They know where you live. And they have the means to get there.
To all the protesters out there, make sure you look both ways when you cross the street. And for the love of god, stay out of the bike lane.
If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter.
Memes
The key to success isn’t hard work, it’s making vague threats.
This is how 99% of landing pages are made in silicon valley.
Kill it before it lays eggs.
Song of the Day
Bakar is one of those artists that doesn’t put out a ton of songs, but whenever they do I end up liking them. I loved this song when it dropped back in 2022, and I’ve found it coming back into my rotation the last week or so.
Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.
Me at a party in NYC in 2019. I stole this pimp coat off of a friend of mine, and honestly I’m mad that I gave it back to her.
I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)
How was the newsletter today? |
That’s all for this week folks,
Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital
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