Knock, Knock. It’s Uncle Sam & I Want My Money Back.

Good morning LPs,

A couple weeks back I was talking to my friend Jason about the NYC dating scene. Everyone’s using dating apps but they make people want to launch themself off of a cliff. So we had a great idea: what if we build a dating app but only for one person? So we built one just for me and filmed the process in our YouTube series. Check out the latest episode below:

Anyway let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

RFK Bans Food Dyes. Tells food companies to use sheep blood for red food dye as a natural alternative. (New York Times)

Trump ponders $5000 bonus for each baby to increase American birth rate “Anchor babies won’t count– don’t try it!” (Independent)

Investors upset after AI startup raises $14M with the goal of “actually making money” (Techcrunch)

White House Plans to Collect Defaulted Student Loans

On Tuesday The White House announced that you’re fucked. More specifically the U.S. government intends to collect defaulted student loans by “withholding tax refunds, federal pensions, and even their wages”. 

Now I didn’t know what student loans were until this week, but apparently people have been taking hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt just so they can make $59,000/year out of college. Personally, I had no idea that salaries even went that low. I assumed the minimum wage was $85/hour. 

So why did this happen? 

Well for the last 40 years people were told they had to get a college degree, follow their dreams, or else they were fucked. But people don’t have dreams when they’re 18, they have bad ideas. You think you want to be a Doctor, but you still can’t find the clitoris. 

So you spend $250k to find a dream, and leave college with a useless degree, no dream, and an itchy crotch (relatable). 

The problem is that there are only 5 dreams in America that make any money. 

• Doctor (Cost: $1M, & you don’t make money for 10-15 years) 

• Lawyer (Cost: $500k, & you sell your soul to the devil & represent pedophiles in court)

• Engineer (Cost: $250k, but you get to keep your virginity forever)

• Pilot (Cost: $150k, takes forever to make money & everyone thinks you’re a glorified bus driver even though it’s hard)

• Venture Capitalist (Cost: $0, your rich family just gives you $8M & tells you to go buy shit)

Sadly the first 4 on the list will runyou anywhere between $250k-$1M, and if you don’t go to a top 50 college you’ll still end up poor but have the same amount of debt. 

What you’ve probably noticed is that the one honorable and cost effective career is Venture Capital. It costs nothing, has lax hours, and you don’t need to be an expert in anything, in fact it’s discouraged.

That being said it’s a pretty hard job to break into unless your dad already owns a yacht. Luckily my dad doesn’t own a yacht, he owns a company that builds them. 

So what’s the silver lining? I don’t have any debt. While all of you are drowning in student loans, I will share my awesome life with you on Instagram so you don’t have to actually make money yourself. 

I promise to take photos in every Nobu I go to. At every 5 star luxury resort I stay at. And on every private jet to the riviera that I fly on, so you can have almost the same experience as me. And if you’re really lucky and you followed your dream to be a pilot, maybe you can fly me there. 

Come to Our Jabroni Capital Event in NYC

On Wednesday May 7th I’m hosting an invite only event for founders, VCs, and tech people in New York City.

Most tech events suck. They’re normally too big, un-curated, and when you get there some guy who hasn’t discovered deodorant yet tries to tell you about his “revolutionary” app with 11 users.

That’s why Jabroni Capital is hosting our own. But we’re doing things a little differently…

The event will be limited to 50 people and no phones will be allowed.

You heard me right, we will be checking phones at the door. (Don’t worry, we’ll keep them secure and whenever you need it you’ll get it back).

We’re all chronically online and I want this to be an opportunity for a group of awesome people to unplug and meet one another.

We’ll have founders there making 10s of millions, VCs managing 100s of millions, and other people way cooler than me.

So if you want to come hang out and see what it’s like when I have one too many martini’s, register for the event below.

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter. Shout out to Paul.

Memes

jabronicap

14K followers

View more on Instagram

Honestly this VC is going fast enough.

bag.alerts

154 followers

View more on Instagram

Millions of people saw this video and got REALLY mad at us.

This is my CTO.

Song of the Day

I’ve been a big fan of Arlo Parks for a while now. Beautiful voice, funky ass beats, and great lyrics. She’s the kind of artist that makes sad topics upbeat and fun. This song “Blades” has been in my rotation for the last couple weeks and is perfect for a spring soundtrack.

(P.S. Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.)

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital