Jabroni Capital Files For Bankruptcy (again)

Good afternoon LPs,

I want to take a quick second to respond to the allegations that I wasn’t cool enough to be invited to Diddy’s parties. These comments are hurtful and untrue. Yes, I did not attend Diddy’s parties. However, I was invited through a friend, of a friend, of a friend because people love me, at parties (except my bitch ex Clarissa - I’ve totally moved on and don’t think about you at all…. please answer my texts).

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

Fake headlines, real news

Druski oils up and tries to slip out of claims that he was invited to Diddy parties (Variety)

Seeing the stock market only drop a couple percent, Trump vows to increase Canadian tariffs to 50% saying, “if you think Monday was bad, just wait” (Reuters)

Elon Musk forces his infant children to work at Tesla factories following plunge in stock price (NYT)

Sam Bankman-Fried thrown in solitary confinement for Tucker Carlson interview, according to reports SBF said, “this is the 2nd time in my life I’ve met left alone and sexless” (Yahoo)

The Stock Market Plumets

Bad news everyone, we’re broke. On Monday morning the markets opened and stocks plummeted. The Nasdaq was down 4% ( the worst day in 3 years), the Dow lost 900 points (which my rich uncle tells me is bad), and Tesla stock lost almost 15%. 

For normal people this is devastating, meaning life savings in the garbage and your kids going to state school (eww). But luckily for me I’ve spent my entire career as a VC making bad investments that eventually go to zero, so I’m prepared. I have a list of 200 Saudi princes that’ll throw me a billion dollars tomorrow. 

There was no way any of us could have seen this coming. It’s not like tech stocks skyrocketed, housing went up a shit ton and no one built more homes, interest rates tripled, rents doubled, and the national minimum wage is still $7.25. If that were the case, maybe we could have done something. But unfortunately there was no indication a recession was possible. 

So what can you do about this? It’s time to enroll in the Daddy Program. Elite, white, 24 year olds in NYC have been taking advantage of this welfare program for 20 years.

Are you a fine arts major from Yale that makes $55k/year but wants to live in the West Village - Daddy can make that possible. Are you a JP Morgan associate who makes $100k but flexes like he makes $400k? That’s hard to keep up for more than a month, unless you have Daddy on your side. 

You may not be eligible for the Daddy Program. The requirements are simple. You must have a father who makes over $750k/year and a semi-functional relationship with him. 

Some factors that will make securing Daddy funding easier include:

1. Divorced Mommy’s that hate Daddy.

2. Catching Daddy at the ski house with his 22 year old secretary.

3. Telling your Daddy that your buddy’s Jason, Lakin, and Thanner have already been accepted to the Daddy Program.

4. For people in their late 20s and early 30s who’ve had their Daddy subscription cancelled, you may be eligible for re-enrollment if you get accepted to a top 10 law school or business school. 

What I’m trying to say, is that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. If we buckle down and ask our Daddy’s for money, we can weather this impending financial crisis.

Memes

jabronicap

11K followers

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This is the proper reaction.

chetcollins_

212K followers

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We need our top scientists to study this man.

Sasha Barren Cohen is one of the greatest trolls of all time.

Song of the Day

Last night I had a dream I was on a plane that was shot down over Palestine. But shockingly the craziest part of this geo-politically charged dream was that I had a puppy named, “I’m Just Snacking”, which is the name of a Gus Dapperton song. I haven’t listened to this song in years, but somehow my subconscious thought it was a fitting name for a dog in a war torn conflict zone. Anyway, give it a listen. It’s a pretty good

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital