Jabroni Capital Buys WeWork

Good afternoon LPs,

It’s almost the 2 year anniversary of this newsletter, so I thought I would give you all a bit of a throwback. The main body of today’s edition makes fun of WeWork, and was one of the first newsletters I ever wrote. A couple of years later, I think it still holds up and is one of my favorite bits.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

Voter turnout surges amidst NYC boomers and Gen X. “Nothing gets people to the polls faster than the promise of free shit,” says Yale political analyst. (Gothamist)

Sequoia announced $950M in new early-stage funds, saying, “If you’re over 22 years old & not building an AI startup, don’t even bother”. (Techcrunch)

J.P. Morgan offers an AI bot to help write performance reviews. “It’s great, now I don’t have to break the news that bonuses are only going to be $23k this year,” said an anonymous MD. (Financial Times)

Louvre thief suspect arrested after attempting to smuggle jewels in hollowed-out baguette. “We will be increasing the charges due to the crime of defacing French cuisine,” commented the French Police Chief. (BBC)

Jabroni Capital Buys WeWork

I’m thrilled to announce that Jabroni Capital is acquiring WeWork.

It was once the most innovative company in Silicon Valley, home to many of the finest startups in the world, like NFT wallets and cannabis energy drinks.

But like Icarus, it flew too close sun and came crashing down. Just look at this chart…

See, WeWork leadership miscalculated one small thing: no one at WeWork ever actually did work. We had our unpaid intern, Jeff, live out of multiple Manhattan locations for the last 2 months, and his observations were SHOCKING.

Over 70% of people who spent time at WeWork claimed to be building ‘disruptive’ or ‘innovative’ startups, but 0% of them were ever seen working or paying for memberships.

For the world’s largest office startup, this was a serious problem.

That’s why, starting Q1 of 2026, we are relaunching under a new brand: WeDon’tWork.

WeDon’tWork will be the most exclusive social club in the world and will make the Soho House look like a space for poor losers.

The beautiful thing with this rebrand is that we’ll retain 100% of our members since they didn’t do anything anyway. During the day, members can discuss their favorite hobbies they picked up last week, like rock climbing and biohacking. And at night, we will host Ketamine fueled raves.

To save on costs, we won’t spend anything on renovations and will instead dim the lighting 40% and play lo-fi beats from Jack’s favorite playlist.

Additionally, we have hired NYPD officers trained in controversial stop-and-frisk maneuvers to perform random searches on members. If anyone is caught with anything that could facilitate actual work, they will be permanently banned and charged $15,000.

Items subject to banning include, but are not limited to:

• Laptops (DON’T even think about it)

• Notebooks (Jack literally can’t read or write - intern Jeff)

• Pencils & Pens (see bullet #2)

• Patagonia Vests (these could encourage bonding between finance dorks)

• Android devices (Jack & college girls HATE green text bubbles)

Effective immediately, Jack will take over WeDon’tWork as CEO. This is amazing news because he’s a known Adam Neumann look-alike, which will re-spark investor interest.

Jack & Adam’s similarities are uncanny.

1. They both have long hair

2. They both have enormous egos

3. They both have more money than you dp

Thank you for your continued support and belief in Jabroni Capital’s investment strategy. Together, we’ll make WeDon’tWork a household name.

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital, I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter.

Memes

jabronicap

42K followers

View more on Instagram

It’s impossible to take these people seriously.

In his defense, it was an honest mistake.

jabronicap

42K followers

View more on Instagram

This is why I only talk to ChatGPT these days.

Song of the Day

I’ve got another under-the-radar track for you today. Lately, my Spotify has been consumed with 50 Cent and then weird indie pop music like this song from Argonaut & Wasp. You can tell it’s a weird artist just by the name of the band. I couldn’t tell you what an Argonaut is, but I can tell you this song is lovely and worth a listen.

(P.S., after some quick research, an Argonaut is one of those floating, shelled Ocotopi.)

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital