Is Trump Dead?

Good afternoon LPs,

My entire family is meeting in NYC this weekend to celebrate my Grandfathers 90th Birthday. The man is a legend. In his mid-80s, he was doing my crypto taxes, and even last year, he was flying to Europe on his own to visit my brother. Fingers crossed, I got his genetics.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

OpenAI spares Google from antitrust breakup. “We never expected that having a competitor that also sells user data to the government would result in our stock rising 16%, but we’re here for it”, commented Google CEO Sundar Pichai. (Business Insider)

Putin, Kim Jong Un, and Xi Jinping join to watch the Chinese military parade. “At first, we thought that China had cloned its soldiers because they all looked the same. It turns out Chinese men are just kind of like that,” said Trump in a press conference on Wednesday morning. (NBC)

Mike Pence has a panic attack seeing a large crowd gather outside of Capitol to protest the government cover-up. “I had a flashback to January 6th and panicked until I realized this was about Epstein,” explained Pence. (ABC)

U.S. Military kills 11 in strike on drug boat tied to Venezuelan cartels. “We almost launched missiles at another boat importing millions of dollars worth of drugs from Denmark, but stopped after realizing it was just Ozempic,” said a U.S. Military General. (CNN)

Where is Trump?

Over the weekend, people began frantically speculating if Trump was dead or seriously ill, after the President failed to make a public appearance for 6 days. 

At first, this seemed like wishful thinking from Trump haters. But then Trump started posting outdated photos on his social media, pretending they were from the last day.

This was obviously a lie, but it’s not for the reason you think. 

According to Jabroni Capital’s Chinese informants, Trump took a week off to attend China’s 2025 military victory parade. 

This massive and extravagant parade featured over 100 planes, unmanned submarines, brand new intercontinental ballistic missiles, dozens of sick ass drones, and hot Chinese military babes. 

A bunch of awesome military equipment is enough to get any autistic boy interested in attending a parade. But when big daddy Trump heard that his 3 closest friends, Kim Jong Un, Vladimir Putin, and Xi Jinping would be in attendance, he couldn’t miss out. 

So he lied. This was like the time my girlfriend told me I had to visit her parents on Labor Day, but my boys Tanner, Brad, and Chadley informed me they were going to Vegas for the weekend. So I told my Girlfriend I had a work conference and proceeded to send her fake conference photos while I gambled her engagement ring savings on Bacharat. 

On the flight back to the U.S., Trump told his team, “That wasn’t even impressive. 2M five-foot-seven Chinese guys? 15 of our best blacks could defeat them in hand-to-hand combat”. 

In response to the parade, Trump has vowed to host an even more “epic” parade on U.S. soil. Not only will it feature top-secret weapons that we don’t want anyone to know about, but it will also include representation from our top companies. 

“If you think 20,000 ballistic missiles are scary, just wait until you see an army of 20,000 BlackRock employees marching towards you. They’re not just buying all the homes in Arizona; they’re coming overseas, too. Europe, China, Africa, and all the other continents, I can’t remember. They’ll buy your homes too. No one will have a home. Very scary,” said Donald Trump. 

According to our reports, companies are fighting over top positions in the spectacle after McDonald’s secured the headline spot. CEO of BlackRock, Larry Fink, commented, “I’m not worried about getting a top position; if anyone is in front of me, I’ll just buy their company”. 

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital, I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter.

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Song of the Day

I used to think I didn’t like EDM because I was hearing the same repeating beat over and over. Then I discovered songs like this and realized it was because EDM doesn’t feel like it has a soul. I need a baseline, some amount of vocals, and a vibe that doesn’t make me feel like I’m having a schizophrenic panic attack.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

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That’s all for this week folks.

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital