I'm Disappointed

Good afternoon LPs,

Last Friday I wasted hours of my life watching the Jake Paul & Mike Tyson fight. So instead of breaking down a couple different tech headlines, I’m gonna spend the newsletter ranting about that monstrosity.

Buckle up, I’m feeling unhinged today.

Mike Tyson Vs Jake Paul

It’s Friday night. Just like half of America, I’ve canceled all my plans to watch a 58 year old man beat an obnoxious 27 year old to death. Little did I know I was about to face more disappointment than when a 17 year old loses their virginity. But at least that experience only lasts 30 seconds meanwhile I suffered through the 5 stages of grief for 5 hours. 

Here’s how my night went.

Stage 1: Denial

7:50pm: My buddy Ben & I are prepping for the fight that’s starting at 8. We’ve got a handle of Tequila, 2 large pizzas on the way, & spirits are high.

8:03pm: Even though I’ve never watched I’ve never watched a second of Jake Paul’s brain dead content I’m telling myself this is gonna be a good fight. 

8:45pm: I’m in full Denial. I didn’t realize there’s 3 fights before Paul & Tyson. I just watched a professional Indian boxer bully a fat Brazilian YouTuber. The tequila is feeding my delusion. Just like I tell myself my dad secretly loves me, I’m telling myself these fights will get better & Tyson will be on TV soon. 

Stage 2: Anger

9:15pm: My brother just got home, the pizza just arrived, & I’m 6 drinks deep. We’re fed up. The stream keeps cutting out & I can’t decide if I’m just drunk or if Netflix’s engineering team has a no merit-based intern program. I drink a little more to find out & put on Mike Tyson pre-rape highlight reels to pass the time. 

Stage 3: Bargaining

10:30pm: I turn the fight back on & apparently Jake Paul had two migrants fight to appease Trump. The winner got their green card & was given a fruit stand in Union Square. 

(My sources tell me he’s selling mango slices & skittles depending on the time of day. I learned his margins were 80% so I flipped him a $500k pre-seed check for a 10% stake). 

Stage 4: Depression

11:15pm: We realize two women are about to fight. Jake Paul will likely make $20M, meanwhile these two gals are getting a brain injury & a 90 day Sephora unlimited spending spree. I don’t know much about skincare, but the girl who nearly got her eye gouged out is gonna need a mountain of face cream to cover that up. Our spirits are low. 

Stage 5: Acceptance

12:05am: The fight is finally on but the stream looks like it’s filmed on a Nokia flip phone. It inevitably crashes, so we did what everyone else in the world did that night. We went from the TV, to the Laptop, to an illegal phone stream. We’re now huddled around an iPhone 15 pro - Tyson’s bootlegged YouTube highlight reels from 1985 are somehow higher definition than the stream tonight. 

12:06am: I’m quickly realizing this fight is more staged than my parents' marriage. Tyson’s so bored with the fight he’s started snacking on his gloves. Right now I’m wishing Mike was still addicted to Cocaine - he just looks sad. I’m somehow more disappointed in Tyson than my father is in me. 

12:15am: It’s the final round of the fight & I’ve accepted that I was scammed. This was worse than when I invested in WeWork. At least when I took a $100M gamble on Adam Neumann I was able to go to an office on 57th st & get free cold brew. 

America got what it deserved Friday night. We signed up to watch an obnoxious retard fight an old rapist & acted surprised when the show was rigged. You’d think we would have learned our lesson since election night was only 2-weeks ago. 

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That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital