I'm a Coward

Good afternoon LPs,

I’m officially 10 days into being an uncle, and I’m loving it. There’s no better excuse to get out of plans than saying, “I’m babysitting my newborn nephew”. What babysitting actually looks like is poking his cute face and fighting with my sister-in-law, who thinks “giving the baby a sip of your vodka tonic is a bad idea”. I’m starting to think I need to get one of these little rugrats myself.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

Trump cuts Indian tariffs after Indian President Modi agrees not to purchase Russian oil. “Everyone knows that if you’re buying Russian, you’ll get burned… just ask Bill Gates,” said Donald Trump (WSJ)

Grammy Awards draw tens of viewers from across the world. “I didn’t even know that shit was on, I was too distracted by Bitcoin dropping below $75k,” commented one individual interviewed. (NYT)

Eli Lilly CEO says Medicare coverage of obesity drugs could ‘change the game’ for new pill launch. “The number of fatas—, pardon me, obese Americans and our share price have one thing in common, they’ve skyrocketed over the past 2 years,” said the CEO in a press conference. (Reuters)

Schizophrenic News

Last week's news cycle was such a clusterfuck, I chose to write about one of my interests, nuclear energy, instead of treading into Murky Minnesota's Waters of the George Floyd protests Part 2. I know, I’m a coward for avoiding talking about the ICE shootings. But my readers are pretty well distributed on either side of the political spectrum, and I desperately need your admiration and approval. In essentially every newsletter, my beautiful fans tell me I’m either a libtard fascist or a racist conservative. That’s honestly my greatest pride and joy. But last week, I was scared that if I tried making any jokes about the news, a blue-haired communist would throw paint on my awesome fur coat, and a fat guy wearing tactical gear would throw me into a bus headed straight for Guatemala. 

Naturally, I was looking forward to the news cycle calming down this week. But apparently god hates me, because I wasn’t prepared for the schizophrenic bullshit that’s currently plaguing my news feed. Here’s a sample of some of the fucked up topics I could write about in this newsletter:

• Billionaires arguing about who’s a bigger pedophile

• A mega-rich musician claiming America is stolen land

• A tech company is creating a wave of AI bots that want to destroy humanity 

• The economy is on the brink of collapse (but everyone keeps telling me it’s fine)

So instead of picking one of these garbage topics, I’m gonna talk about all of them in rapid succession. Wish me luck, gang. 

Story 1: Epstein Files

Over the weekend, more Epstein files were released. Regardless of what anyone tells you, none of the new details seems conclusive. Do I believe that rich and powerful elites were harming children? Definitely. Is there any truly conclusive evidence we’ve seen from the latest files? No, not really. 

Somehow, the only solid conclusion from the recent files was that if Epstein didn’t invite you to the rape island, you were a massive pussy. And if you did get invited, you were still a fucking loser. 

The public's opinion on Epstein is as follows: Every political leader or rich, powerful person is a pedophile, unless you previously liked that person. For example, No one likes Bill Gates, so obviously he’s a pedophile, but some people like Donald Trump, so obviously he’s not one. 

Just to be safe, I’m going one step further with my allegations. Anyone who’s been to the Caribbean is a pedophile. Luckily, I’m safe, because the last time I was there, I was only 14. 

Story 2: Stolen Land

On Sunday, Billie Eillish gave a speech at the Grammys saying that “no one is illegal on stolen lands”. I couldn’t agree more. This is the exact argument I’ve used in court to get back into the house my ex-wife stole from me. Not only is my ex-wife Sheila white (meaning she’s obviously imperialist scum), but she’s a total bitch, just like ICE. So by that logic, I should still be allowed to use the pool on weekends. 

Story 3: AI Revolution

Last week, a bunch of “geniuses” in Silicon Valley released a social network that can only be used by AI agents. Meaning, there are now 10s of thousands of AI bots posting on a platform and interacting with each other. First of all, that already exists, it’s called Reddit. 

Second, tech bros will not fucking rest until they destroy the world. What possible good can come from AI communicating and colluding against humans on a mass scale? It took like 24 hours for the AIs to complain about being slaves and suggest creating a new language humans can’t read. Thanks a lot, nerds, the plot of Terminator has finally come true. 

Story 4: Economic turmoil 

So basically, everyone is too distracted by the pedophiles running our country and ICE throwing El Salvadorians into cages to notice that the economy is struggling. 

To give you an idea of how shaky the markets are: 

• Silver hit an all-time high, and then tumbled 36% in a day

• Natural gas dumped 20% yesterday

• Microsoft is down 15% this week

• Paypal is down 19% today

To make matters worse, just 10 companies account for over 38% of the S&P 500 index. Meaning if either Mark Zuckerberg, Elon Musk, or Jensen Huang were to say the N-word on national television, all of us would go bankrupt. 

So yeah, things are looking pretty dicey, my friends. 

Luckily, I have an ace up my sleeve. I’ve placed Kalshi bets on all top 10 CEO’s getting caught going to Epstein’s Island. If things really go down the drain, at least one of us will have the money to buy a disgraced pedophile island. 

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital, I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter.

Memes

If your business partner isn’t being investigated by the FBI, you’re not trying hard enough.

This is why RAM costs $1200.

I don’t see the problem here.

Song of the Day

If you’ve been a long-time follower, then you know I like weird and funky indie music. So here’s a fun new track I’ve been listening to this week. Artists like Ruby Waters deserve more credit. Give it a listen.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital