Hunter Biden for President

Good afternoon LPs,

The two biggest stories of the week are the Epstein files and a Hunter Biden interview. It feels like I’ve been teleported back to 2019-2020, no matter what we do these are the biggest stories in the American news cycle.

Anyway let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

Nelk Boys' interview with Israeli president Benjamin Netanyahu draws criticism from both left and right. After hearing the podcast, top Hamas officials surrendered to never have to listen to Nelk again. (NBC)

Silicon Valley AI Startups embrace Chinese 9AM-9PM 6 day per week work schedule. Jabroni Capital interns respond in confusion as to why Silicon Valley workers get one day off. (WIRED)

MLK’s daughter asks White House to release the Epstein files. “I have a dream that one day we will live in a nation where people are not judged by the color of their skin, but by whether they are pedophiles.” (ABC)

Columbia University suspends and expels students who participated in library protests and encampments. Protestors saddened having to return to vacation homes in Nantucket while looking for new universities. (NBC)

Hunter Biden’s Interview

On Monday Youtuber and journalist Andrew Callaghan released an unexpected 3 hour and 15 minute interview with renowned crackhead Hunter Biden. 

For those who don’t know, Hunter is the son of former president Joe Biden, and has been a prolific character in modern American politics and media. While his father was leading the nation by falling off of bicycles, Hunter was selling bikes under a bridge to fund his crack addiction. 

In the interview with Andrew, Hunter sat down and discussed politics, his struggles with addiction, and then began to attack every person and group on the planet. Democrats for failing the country. Republicans for electing a dictator. George Clooney for being a political puppet (and also for being less handsome than him). It was awesome.

One of my favorite points in the interview was when he ranted about El Salvador running their prisons like concentration camps. He went on to say that if he was president in a couple years, he would call up the president of El Salvador and demand he send back his political prisoners to the US, or he would invade their country.

Aside from claiming he would threaten a country's leader with invasion, this got me thinking, what if Hunter WAS the next president. Would that really be such a bad thing at all?

Think about it for a second. America loves a legacy and a re-run. Donald Trump - legacy. George Bush - legacy. Fantastic Four - we’re making a 3rd franchise even though the first 2 were terrible! But that doesn't matter. America doesn’t want things to be good, new, or better. They want familiarity. And what’s more familiar to the public than a struggling artist, nepo baby, and recovering alcoholic crack addict. Like it or not Hunter Biden is relatable to everyone, whether you live in a dumpster or go to a country club, there’s something there for you.

I don’t have anything in common with Kamala Harris or Ted Cruz. They’re elite try hard nerds who don’t swear, who don’t share hobbies with me, and have no edge to them. But I have a lot in common with Hunter Biden. We both like partying, have daddy issues, and want to overthrow democratically elected South American nations. 

But seriously, I was expecting this interview to be worse. I mean the guy has been smoking crack and putting guns to the heads of prostitutes for a decade. But when he spoke, there was a certain degree of wisdom and perspective that surprised me. Compared to the demons that run our government and political parties, there was earnestness to Hunter you just don’t get out of politicians anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I know he’s a liar and morally corrupt person. But they’re all liars, and if I had to pick someone to lead it might as well be the fun one. 

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter. Shout to James for referring the most subs this week!

Memes

the.swiss.chris

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This is very accurate.

jabronicap

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Where can I find founders to invest in like this??

This is still the greatest show of all time.

Song of the Day

Ok today’s song is a deep cut from the 80s. 90% of the texts between my brother Chris and I are just esoteric songs that we find. He sent me this the other week and the more I listen to it, the more it becomes a new favorite of mine.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital