Hiring High Schoolers

Good afternoon LPs,

There were so many topics to talk about today it was hard to choose. Mr. Beast announced he was launching a bank, protests happened all across the U.S., and tech bros were freaking out about questionable viral marketing campaigns. Ultimately, we chose to go with the final topic. So buckle up, because this one is gonna get weird.

Anyway let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

AWS servers down Monday morning disrupt vital infrastructure including Fortnite, Snapchat, and Reddit servers. Middle schoolers and basement dwellers outraged. (CNN)

Trump reposts AI video of him dropping sewage on No Kings protestors. “He doesn’t even want to have sex with me anymore, he just sits there in bed scrolling the AI videos of himself” commented Melania. (The Guardian)

Manhunt underway for 4 suspects in Louvre jewelry heist. “We think they watched Oceans 11 one too many times and felt inspired.” commented Parisian Police Chief. (ABC)

SSRI use amongst younger generation scales with paid TikTok influencer promotion as “Hot Lifestyle Accessory”. Hashtags like #lexaprotok and #lexaprobaddies trending. (we didn’t make any of this up) (WSJ)

Tech Startup Hires a High School Student

Last week, an 18 year old high school student named Chau went viral after posting that she got a job as Chief of Staff of a startup called Instinct. 

Immediately tens of thousands of people on social media freaked out, questioning her qualifications and claiming the company was sexualizing a high schooler to get buzz for their startup. 

Now the young whippersnappers who run this startup denied these claims on social media, stating that she was “the most qualified person” for the job. And perhaps, she is. (But Jeffrey Epstein also claimed the most qualified masseuses were 15)

But let’s back track for a second, because I’m sure you’re all wondering, “What the fuck does this startup Instinct even do?”

That’s a good question, and I don’t really have an answer. Which is surprising considering I was one of their lead investors. But I didn’t invest in them because I believed in their technology. I invested in them because they had a team of hot 18 year olds. 

In all seriousness, although their website is vague. And it seems like they help businesses go viral. Here’s a screenshot from their “manifesto”:

This weird viral stunt is part of a larger problem in the tech industry. Because of AI, startups are easier to build and scale than ever before, so people like the founders of Instinct are entirely focused on virality. 

These guys are using a form of rage bait to get views and clicks. Their business is bizarre and vague, but that doesn’t matter. They just want to become famous. And unfortunately, using a picture of an 18 year olds boobs is one way of doing that. 

I’m sick of tech people pretending like the fundamentals of business have changed with AI. They haven’t. The way John Jacob Astor, America’s first mega millionaire, built an empire follows the same fundamentals of how you build any successful business today. (Check out Astor’s Wikipedia, his story is nuts)

Find a problem. Provide a solution. Distribute that solution. That doesn’t change if you’re slinging beaver skins in the 1700s or building a software tool to help market peoples businesses. (I still don’t even know if that’s what they’re really doing). 

But these dudes and a lot of other startups are reversing the process. They’re starting with distribution in the form of virality, and then expecting to build a trillion dollar company on top of that. 

Good luck with that. 

Maybe I’m wrong, and this startup has a great business and product. But if they’re posting sexualized rage bait of high schoolers, they probably don’t. 

In closing, I’ll just say this, we're in a tech bubble. In 2001, the signs that there was a bubble were publicly traded companies making $2M a year being worth $2B. But in 2025 the signs we’re in a bubble are investors funding startups built by children with products that don’t make any fucking sense. 

Work For Jabroni Capital Full Time

Time for a shameless plug

We’re hiring a Head of LinkedIn growth to help run our content agency. This is a great opportunity considering there are like 15 companies hiring in the continental U.S. right now. Somehow we’re one of them.

What you’ll do:

• Run day to day operations of our LinkedIn content agency

• Manage a team of writers making viral LinkedIn content

• Help scale an agency to millions in revenue

Who you are:

• You are an expert at LinkedIn and know how to go viral

• You love making content & are obsessed with getting better at it

• You know how to manage a team of people

The expected pay for the role with $10k-15k/month including base pay & perfomance.

If this sounds like a role you would be good at, apply below:

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter.

Memes

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Every NYC tech or finance bro knows this feeling.

I don’t blame him.

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This is an actual video of my former CTO.

Song of the Day

On Saturday I got lunch with my friend Mor who was in town for the weekend. We were planning to see eachother for an hour or two, and spotanteously it turned into a 12 hour hang session which ended with us at a Disclosure concert. Now I don’t normally fuck with EDM music, but the show was a blast and the group of friends I went with was awesome. The whole point of living in New York is to have days like that, otherwise the $4,000 shoebox apartment you rent isn’t worth it.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital