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Exclusive Epstein Interview
We break down the government "releasing" the Epstein files
Jack Kuveke
July 10, 2025
Good afternoon LPs,
Today I had to choose between writing about X’s AI chatbot Grok calling itself “Mecha-hitler” or writing about Epstein’s files finally being “released”. This was a hard decision, but I figured the Epstein news was too timely to miss (and that Grok would probably go on another racist spree next week).
Anyway let’s get into today’s newsletter.
Hard and Fast News
fake headlines, real news
Coffee and BBL prices climb after Trump imposes a 50% tariff on Brazil. “It’s tough, we all like to admire a nice BBL but we will get through this.” said President Trump in a press conference. (FT)
EU imposes "voluntary rules” (not making this up) on AI companies. “We could enforce them, but we don’t want to take resources away from the attached bottle cap enforcement unit.” (NYT)
Russian drone and missile attack hits Kyiv killing 2 and injuring 16. “I didn’t know that war was still going on.” a senior spokesperson for the Pentagon said early Thursday. (BBC)
An announcement that Kellogg’s was to be acquired by Nutella maker for $3.1 billion sparked panic in Lucky Charms fans over marshmallow to cereal ratio. Tensions diffused after it was discovered that Lucky Charms isn’t even made by Kellogg’s. (Axios)
The Epstein Files Were “Released”
Earlier this week Director of the FBI Kash Patel released the U.S. government's official stance on the Jeffrey Epstein investigation. According to the FBI Jeffrey Epstein did commit suicide and did not have a list of clients.
First let’s go over the facts:
Jeffrey Epstein did have multiple creepy rape mansions with sex dungeons and hundreds of cameras.
His partner in crime Ghislaine Maxwell was convicted of sex trafficking minors to said creepy rape mansions.
Dozens of the richest and most powerful people in the world including but not limited to, former U.S. presidents, current Prince of England, multiple of the top billionaires, and oddly enough notorious cripple Steven Hawking.
For the past 5 years U.S. officials including the sitting Attorney General, Director of the FBI, and the president said they had a list of Epstein clients and it would be released.
Jeffrey Epstein allegedly hanged himself in a seated position while on suicide watch. The cameras all broke and the guards who were supposed to check on him every 30 minutes fell asleep and missed 20 consecutive checks during the 10 hours Epstein was alone in his cell.
I was serious about Steven Hawking going to the Island
Given the evidence, the Jabroni Capital team was still undecided on the FBI’s claim. So I used my reputation as a top journalist and media mogul and secured an interview with president Donald Trump to settle this case.
Here’s the transcript:
Jabroni Capital: Mr. President for years you claimed there was a list of Epstein clients and you would release it. What happened?
Trump: Maybe there was a list. I’ve seen a lot of lists. As president they hand me lists everyday. Lists of pedophiles, murderers, places we should bomb. Who knows, I could have mistaken the client list for a list of all the people I’ve banged, would be a very long list. Probably the longest list - none from the island of course.
Jabroni Capital: But isn’t it strange that the sitting FBI director claimed for years that Epstein worked for global intelligence organizations like the Mossad and CIA.
Trump: We’re still talking about this guy? Last time I ran for president I didn’t do anything I said I was going to do, and nobody got mad. I run a second time, say I’m gonna release a pedophile list, and now everyone’s upset I didn’t. Not fair.
Jabroni Capital: Well that’s actually a great point.
Trump: And quite frankly we’ve got bigger problems to worry about right now. Texas is flooding and children are being swept away. We sent all those poor kids who were assaulted on Epstein’s island to Texas, and now they’re dying in the flood.
Jabroni Capital: Wait, what?
Trump: They could have been valuable assets for the investigation, but now they’re gone - swept away just like that client list. Next time we’ll send them somewhere safe from natural disasters like New Orleans or the tornado belt.
Jabroni Capital: Wait, what about the children in Texas?
[Call ends]
Thanks for reading.
(On an unrelated note we have received a federal contract and we now believe everything the government stated about Epstein.)
Work with Jabroni Capital
The Jabroni Capital team is looking for freelance writers to help us with LinkedIn content.
Here’s who we’re looking for:
People who like writing (duh) & content creation
Have a track record of making LinkedIn content that isn’t completely retarded
Get decent traction on posts, but want to learn how to go more viral
Bonus points if you’re already good at going viral
Are comfortable making/finding memes
If you’re interested in learning more, fill out the form below & we’ll reach out!
If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter. Shout to Phillip for referring the most subs this week!
Memes
HR didn’t know what they were getting themselves into.
We need to carpet bomb SF at this point.
Good luck standing out from the competition.
Song of the Day
I have been addicted to this song for the past 5 days. Rainbow Kitten Surprise may have one of the goofiest names in the music industry, but they have an undeniable sound. The lyrics in this particular track are really clever and the instrumentals have that classic RKS funkiness that fans know and love.
Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.
This photo always reminds me of an early 2000s album cover where everyone in the band is looking in a different direction.
I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)
How was the newsletter today? |
That’s all for this week folks,
Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital
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