Elon Musk's Anime Girlfriend

Good morning LPs,

Last week I opted not to talk about Elon Musk’s chatbot Grok going full antisemite because I said that there wouldn’t be long before a new crazy X story popped up. Well, exactly one week later that new story has come.

Let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

Trump claims those interested in Epstein inquiry are ‘bad people’ after pulling the classic “We investigated ourselves and found no wrongdoing” invented by the CIA in the 90s (The Guardian)

Israel bombs Syrian army HQ in Damascus. “This conflict started due to a disagreement in the pronunciation of ‘Hummus’ dating back thousands of years” said top Harvard historian (CBS)

Fed Chair Jerome Powell faces job instability after Trump writes letter. “I can’t really read what it says because his handwriting is so bad, but I don’t think it’s positive.” commented Powell. (NYT)

A headline reading “The economy is turbulent for influencers too” from NPR caused a bipartisan spike in approval for Trump's plan to defund the platform. (NPR)

X Releases Anime Chatbot

On Tuesday, Elon Musk and the team at X released an anime “waifu" chatbot that will flirt and digitally strip for users. Now if you’re over the age of 45 or just regularly have sex with human beings, you probably don’t understand half of the words in that sentence. But don’t worry, I’m here to explain. By the end of this you will understand what a Waifu is and will be looking for internet-free real estate in the farthest corner of Alaska. 

In case you’re completely out of the loop, Grok is Elon Musk’s version of ChatGPT. They’ve been experimenting with building humanoid chatbots directly into the AI platform. Users can go on X (formerly known as Twitter) and chat with AI companions. Obviously this is incredibly sad. Instead of having to forge real world friendships, people can go online, tweet the N-word into the void, and when they can’t figure out why no one will be their friend, they befriend AI. 

This was almost as depressing as when I waited 3 hours in line to have Emma Watson sign my limited edition harry potter book (only to realize it was Natalie Portman). But when the world asked, “how could this possibly get sadder”, Musk said, “hold my beer”. 

Introducing Grok waifu girlfriends. For those blessed with the ignorance I wish I still had, a waifu is a fictional anime character that people fantasize is their girlfriend. People fantasizing about an ideal girlfriend wouldn’t be that bad, except no one has ever designed a waifu that’s a 35 year old lawyer with a kickass career. Unfortunately they always look like the anime version of whoever was trafficked to Epstein’s island. 

Now, X users can design these chatbots to look like a 14 year old schoolgirl but act like a 38 year Myrtle Beach whore. Don’t believe me? Check out this video:

These characters will talk dirty to you, dance for you, and strip for you. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but whatever happened to just going to a strip club. At least then you’d be giving money to a 23 year old trying to pay for dental school instead of funding the wealthiest person in the world. 

For a guy who claims to be worried about underpopulation and wants everyone to have more kids, Elon Musk seems to be doing everything in his power to create a world with young men addicted to virtual sex slaves. 

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it might be time to give up on the American empire and hand over control to China. They already banned OnlyFans and you can be damn sure they’re not gonna let this shit fly. 

So while our teenagers are chatting with AI sluts, China's 9 year olds are studying for calculus 3 exams. Just ask yourself: who do you think is gonna win?

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Memes

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Give it 2 weeks and startup founders will be taking credit for decreased infant mortality.

mytechceo

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It’s hard to compete when META is paying people more than Ronaldo.

This clip is literally funnier than any meme out there.

Song of the Day

You guys remember the movie Casino Royale? I’ve been ripping the theme song for the last 2 weeks and have decided it’s the best Bond song ever made. Obviously I have a soft spot in my heart for Chris Cornell since he was my first concert, but even still this song is like crack. If you haven’t heard it in a while give it a listen and tell me if I’m wrong.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital