Defrauding Poor People

Good morning LPs,

Most of you don’t know this but my favorite hobby is cooking. So when my buddy Jason told me I had to film an episode of our YouTube series without him, I took the opportunity to film the first episode of my own cooking show. It’s as unhinged as you’d probably expect, watch it here:

Anyway let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

JPMorgan settles transaction of tokenized treasuries. “Degenerate power plays have entered central banking” says CEO Jamie Dimon (Fortune)

“People other than Jesus can be raised from the dead” Social Security workers reminded for death correction cases. (CNN)

Airbnb now allows you to hire a prostitute when renting an apartment (New York Times)

Trump asks the prince of Saudi Arabia to invest $1T into the U.S. to erect two identical towers in NYC (New York Times)

Leveraged Retirement Accounts

On Monday a startup called Basic Capital released a retirement investment account (401k or IRA) that allows consumers to get a $4 loan on every $1 invested into the account. 

For all my financially illiterate readers, aka all of you except my dad (he’s funding this whole thing btw), I’m going to break down how this works.

Say you invest $200,000 into a Basic Capital 401k. They will give you a $800,000 loan to match your deposit 4:1. If you’re reading this from Miami, that’s a loan of 2 & ⅔  Richard Mille Flyback Chronographs. 

Now many of my more retarded readers may think, “wow, now I have $1M, my dad will be so proud of me”. Wrong. I made a chart to make it easy for your dumbass to understand what just happened. 

One of the main reasons Americans are so financially fucked right now, is because they’re all in crippling debt. Basic Capital knows this is a problem. Everyone has heard you need money to make money, and this is kind of true. If you’ve ever started an investment account it’s slow moving at first. If you start with $10k and make 10% in a year, that’s only $11k next year. Yeah I know, bla bla bla compound interest, continuous investment, and Dave Ramsey says I’ll be a millionaire when I’m 65. But I don’t want to be a millionaire when I’ve got saggy tits and gray hair. I want to be a millionaire now. 

So what’s the solution? It’s obvious. More debt. As George Washington once said, “he who doesn’t borrow, will die poor”. I know some of you are concerned that this seems risky. But think about it. What’s the worst that will happen? You’ll be broke and no one will want to have sex with you? Well you’re already broke and no one wants to have sex with you. So you might as well put all of your money on the roulette table, bet on black, and roll the dice. In the words of the wise 50 cent, get rich or die tryin’.

Join My Workshop for Founders Raising $500k - $3M+

Time for a shameless plug

Most founders think the only way they’ll raise money from VCs is if they fake their revenue & get nominated to Forbes 30 under 30.

But if you’re like me and think you’d be the cutest person in jail, there’s a better way to raise money for your company.

Here are 3 core skills successful founders must nail in order to successfully raise money:

1. Narrative/pitch - do my investors think I’ll make them rich

2. Network - of 50 founders who can distribute my narrative to investors

3. FOMO - are investors afraid they will miss out on investing

That’s why this Thursday and Friday I’m running a two-day workshop for 30 founders who are raising $500k-$3M+ now or in 2025.

I run these workshops every month, and founders who’ve joined the last couple workshops have raised already $30M+.

So if you’re planning to raise money in 2025, join my workshop so you can enjoy at least 10 years before going to jail.

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter. Shout to Robin for referring the most subs last week!

Memes

jabronicap

16K followers

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Be prepared to do whatever it takes to raise money.

neuralviz

715K followers

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Rarely does a video make me laugh as hard as this did.

These dudes deserve a congressional medal of honor.

Song of the Day

Back in 2015 I went to a Passion Pit concert with my girlfriend, because I fucking loved this song and assumed the rest of their music would be good. The concert was terrible. He couldn’t perform live, the crowd was a bunch of freaks, and the instrumentals were dogshit. That being said, I still love this song and rediscovered a couple weeks ago. So this is my way of saying I forgive you Passion Pit for disappointing me 10 years ago.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital