Buying Your Own Company

Good afternoon LPs,

Tomorrow I’m launching a new web series with my buddy Jason Levin, where we film ourselves building and launching dumb tech startups. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Jack, you’re already a washed up VC, do you really need to be a washed up actor”? The answer is yes. My life long goal has been to obtain 15 minutes of fame, briefly date a Kardashian (hopefully Kris), and then fade away into obscurity until I make headlines for streaking down the streets of L.A. Check out a clip from the show and subscribe to watch me embarrass myself.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

Republicans have proposed abolishing the TSA, Al Qaeda reportedly supports the decision. (The Street)

Studio Ghibli memes are apparently melting OpenAI servers. Once again Anime addicted sexual deviants have destroyed the internet. (Fortune)

Google has purchased startup Wiz for $33B, investors made billions and still have no idea what the fuck wiz does. (The Verge)

Elon Musk's AI chatbot Grok labels Musk top misinformation spreader. Writer of Terminator series James Cameron says there was no way to see this coming. (X)

xAI Buys X

On Friday, Elon Musk announced that his AI company xAI had purchased his social media company X for $33B. The deal valued xAI at $80B post transaction, which is exactly how much Musk has lost on his personal Tesla stock the last 3 months. Coincidence? Hard to say. 

Now many of you are probably wondering, what does the X platform have to do with AI? The answer is nothing. Everyone knows what X is meant for, some examples include:

1. Commenting on your local senators post calling him a cum-guzzling fuckwad and getting 453,000 likes. 

2. Stalking your ex-gf Cynthia so you can see how many children she’s had in the last 4 years, which is somehow 5 which confuses you mathematically. 

3. Trolling Kanye West until he calls you the N-Word so you know your favorite musician hated you for 15 minutes. 

This is what X has always been about. 2% of users use it for good, like meeting other people and having an open dialogue. The other 98% of us use it to make other people feel worse so we can feel better. Which is such a beautiful representation of America it could bring me to tears. 

The problem is that this business doesn’t make money. Advertisers are lost on what targeted ads they’re supposed to show a guy who has a pepe the frog profile photo and only tweets about denying the Holocaust. 

Musk came to the same conclusion that all of Jabroni Capitals autistic analysts came to. Which is that the only way he can turn this unprofitable ship around was launching an AI startup. 

Just like every YC and a16z backed startup founder that was building a dating app or some other bullshit no one wanted, Musk realized he had to pivot. 

Here’s how the AI pivot math works: 

Pre pivot: You have a company with 600M active racists using your product, sounds pretty good right? Wrong, Fidelity only values your app at $10B. 

Post-pivot: You have a company with 600M active racists using your product, but the domain ends in AI. Fidelity reappraises your company for $80B. 

Founders have been using this AI pivot technique to get themselves out of valuation hell for the past 3 years. Elon just managed to do it at the largest scale the world has ever seen. 

So what’s the takeaway? I don’t know. But I did just purchase jabronicapital.ai just in case.

Join My Webinar For Founders Raising $1-3M

Time for a shameless plug

Spring is here. Which means thousands of startup founders are preparing for fundraising hell.

Instead of selling feet pics to pay rent, I can help you raise money for your company.

That’s why I’m hosting two free webinars this Wednesday and Thursday for founders who are raising $1-3M this year.

In the past year I’ve helped pre-seed and seed founders raise $150M+and have been told my workshops don’t make people want to stab out their eyes.

Last week 150 people signed up for these, so if you want help sign up for either of the days below.

Memes

iamjasonlevin

15K followers

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Improvised a couple sketches with my buddy. I know Jabroni Capital needs to make videos, I’ve been just too busy pretending to work up until now.

mytechceo

251K followers

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Who knew Anime was going to bankrupt to OpenAI?

Pretty sure this isn’t what Nintendo meant when they said, “gotta catch’em all”.

Song of the Day

Mac Miller was obviously the man and I don’t know how I missed this song for so long. The first 90 seconds feels like it could be in a John Wick movie. You walk into a smokey basement, time slows down. Everyone turns to look at you as you enter and people start shuffling. A fight scene is about to break out and this song is building up to it.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital