The Billionaire Lifecycle

Good morning LPs,

I’m back from a wedding in France and it’s time for another newsletter. Here’s what we’re going to talk about this week:

• Jensen Huang Signs Boobs

• Shocking News: Startup Founder Commits Fraud

• Naval Responds To Jack On Airchat

🌊 VC Frothiness Level 🌊 

Every week founders ask me if it’s a good time to raise money, which is why we developed The VC Frothiness Level. It may be summer, but founders should prepare to hibernate like a grizzly bear. VCs right now are more interested in Ketamine fueled rooftop parties & wine tastings on yachts.

Jensen Huang Signs Boobs

The other week Jensen Huang, CEO of the $3T company Nvidia, went Viral by signing a woman's chest. 

Our dedicated team of neuro-divergent analysts spent the last three weeks researching the career trajectories of CEOs of trillion dollar companies and our findings were shocking. 

This is the life cycle of the most successful founders in the world:

Shocking News: Startup Founder Commits Fraud

Jabroni Capital has received leaked investor memos that LoanSnap was the first startup run by an AI generated founder - AKA  Karl Jacob .

The AI model was based on the careers of many notable founders in silicon valley including Adam Neumann, Sam Bankman-Fried, & Elizabeth Holmes. 

The AI actually worked remarkably well and did exactly what it was trained to do: misspend investor money & commit mountains of fraud. 

In just 3 years, it accomplished the following: 

• Bought a townhouse with investor money  (Newport Beach)

• Was sued multiple state governments (fined over $10M by PA alone)

• Sued by dozens of creditors (including Wells Fargo) 

• Wasted hundreds of thousands on holiday parties (in Costa Rica)

• Hired 22-year-old Vape Shop employees to sell mortgages 

Needless to say, we’re very excited about the future of AI.

Naval Responds To Jack On Airchat

Apparently they let any poor bitchass person get on Air Chat and make fun of Venture Capitalists like me. This poor loser has the audacity to claim that all I do is get massages, drink martinis, and take a few zoom calls every week? I’m gonna charter a jet to his studio apartment and kick his ass. 

Ok so, my unpaid intern Jeff has brought it to my attention that Naval has a net worth of $1.2B & is therefore slightly richer me. I take back everything I said. I follow the golden rule: if someone is richer than me, they’re always right.

Naval, if you’re reading this I’m sorry. As an olive branch, I humbly ask that you invite me on your mega yacht.

Memes

tradedvc

108K followers

View more on Instagram

This is why I don’t go to events.

Don’t show this to your SF tech bro friend otherwise he’ll start hiring escorts and writing them off as an business expense.

Lord please let 2025 be another year of $30M pre-seed rounds 🙏 

Song of the Week

You probably thought I was listening to French jazz as I strolled the streets of Paris this week, but in reality I was bopping classic this 50 cent classic.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital