billionaire babies

Good afternoon LPs,

Happy Presidents Day to my fellow Americans. I will be spending the day commemorating my favorite U.S. president, Richard Nixon, by launching fireworks at the Democratic National Convention building in Washington D.C. If you see headlines that a man was arrested for domestic terrorism, it was me.

Anyway, let’s get into it today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

Real news, fake headlines

European leaders fear their U.S. alliance is on brink of collapse. France is reportedly sending their hottest ambassador to the White House to “improve relations”.  (AP)

Trump pushes Romania to free Andrew Tate, stating “Since when has locking women in a basement & money laundering been illegal?” (X)

German has begun raiding the homes of people who post offensive memes and is reportedly putting them in “woke camps”. (CBS)

Elon’s 13th Child

On Friday, MAGA influencer Ashley St. Clair announced that she gave birth to Elon Musk’s 13th child. Reportedly St. Clair and Musk got in touch over a year ago via X direct messages. 

In the announcement she said, “I intend to allow our child to grow in a normal and safe environment”. Hey Ashley, that ship sailed the second you fucked I guy who wants to live on mars and then tweeted about it to 50 million people. News flash: Billionaires have been having secret children for hundreds of years, but their strategy for privacy was to kill anyone who finds out. 

After the news broke the internet on, St. Clair tweeted at Elon requesting that he responds to her messages. This implies that Musk doesn’t even have his baby mama’s phone number, which is a level of fuck boi status that rivals only Nick Cannon.

In response to Ashley’s announcement, Jabroni Capital has acquired her initial DMs with Elon. Here’s what they said: 

Musk: Hey, uh, did you see my Diablo IV ranking? 

St. Cair: I hope you’re as good at casting spells as you are at draining swamps, because my swamp is overflowing. 

No response for 5 days

St. Clair: I saw your SpaceX launch, I would love to be the one to catch YOUR rocket next time. 

Musk: So you don’t play Diablo? 

St. Clair: No. 

Musk: Well, anyway. I loved your book, Elephants Are Not Birds, I sent it to my dau- I mean, Son Xavier. 

St. Clair: I’m working on another book about you and Trump called, The Very Greedy Government. 

Musk: You should come present it at the next Trump rally, we can put you between Kanye’s spoken word performance and a racist astronaut. And if you want to hang out after, bring your own controller for Diablo. 

Below is a list of other women who have petitioned Elon to father their children: 

• Riley Reid 

• Ted Cruz’s Wife

• Caitlyn Jenner 

• Candice Owens 

• Jake Paul in a wig

• Paula Dean

By 2030 we expect Elon to have 34 additional children.

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Time for a shameless plug

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Last week 175 people signed up for these, so if you want help sign up for either of the days below.

Memes

This is shockingly accurate.

jabronicap

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To celebrate Jabroni Capital hitting 10k followers on IG, I’m hiring 10,000 unpaid interns in 2025.

I know how I’m making up for my Trump coin losses.

Song of the Day

In 2020 while the world was still burning from covid, I’d hop on the NYC subway and bump this song while commuting to my failing startups office. I’m a sucker for indie pop, and Bombay Bicycle Club has a bunch of bangers like this song.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital