Biden Pardons Jabroni Capital

Good afternoon LPs,

I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving. The Jabroni Capital team spent the holiday like we do every year, handing out pre-seed term sheets at our local homeless shelter.

Anyway, let’s get into it.

Joe Biden Pardons Hunter Biden

I have a confession. Hunter Biden is the co-founder of Jabroni Capital. For the last 4 years the U.S. government has unfairly gone after Hunter for gun and tax charges that we were both wrapped up in. When these charges were first brought forward I told the government, “I didn’t realize it was illegal to be cool”. 

But being the honorable man that he is, Hunter took the fall for these charges. Thankfully yesterday Joe Biden did the right thing and pardoned his son. But I’d like to set the record straight about what happened. 

First, there’s been a lot of questions about some of our ATM withdrawals. Apparently you people only withdraw $500-$3k from ATMs a year. That’s because you have very limited and niche deal flow. At Jabroni Capital we understand the need to invest in diverse assets, some of which can only accept cash. Conveniently the biased news media did not give you the full story. They left out the fact that 100% of our $1.7M in cash investments went to female founders like Sharkeisha and Crystal.

Second, people have miss-represented our research into alternative pharmaceutical therapies. Hunter and I bonded because we both suffer from ADHD - which can be very debilitating (and is a side effect of cocaine). Pharmaceutical companies take advantage of people's desperate need for help - and at Jabroni Capital we’re all about taking advantage of people. That’s why Hunter and I partnered with a local mom and pop pharmaceutical distributors to experiment with an alternative amphetamine formula. Our business model would have put pharmaceutical specialists on every street corner selling low cost remedies bringing much needed revenue to local communities. 

There’s a lot more I could say, but this is the most my lawyer would allow me to cover. With this pardon out of the way, I’m excited to announce Hunter is rejoining Jabroni Capital as our Head of Diversity Equity & Inclusion and will open our new office in Las Vegas. 

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Time for a shameless plug

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Hard & Fast News

Real news, fake headlines.

Enron is back with a new slogan, “Change is necessary”, says Delaware judge. (X)

The Onion buys InfoWars stating, “It’s a perfect fit, we don’t have to change the content to fit our brand”. (The Onion)

Marc Andreessen comes out of closet on Joe Rogan podcast saying, “I wanted Trump the win the whole time but didn’t feel safe to say it” (YouTube)

Elon Musk and Bernie Sanders agree on something, signaling the rapture and end of days (The Hill)

Memes

This is excellent and 100% accurate.

jabronicap

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Can’t wait for YC’s winter 2025 batch.

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I’m trying to channel this energy in 2024.

Song of the Day

I think this is probably my favorite song from The Roots. Whenever I hear songs like this I get mad that garbage rap is all people listen to these days. If you want better taste, give it a listen.

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That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital