Bankruptcy Alert

Good afternoon LPs,

Two days ago my former girlfriend Charlie Chavice stood trial in the U.S. for lying about her user numbers and defrauding JP Morgan out of $175M. This is obviously sad, but Charlie, if you hadn’t told me my memes sucked I wouldn’t have ratted you out.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

Fake headlines, real news

A$AP Rocky was acquitted of his assault charge, L.A.P.D. disappointed they can’t abuse another innocent black man (LA Times)

There are 58 confirmed cases of measles in Texas, RFK Jr. recommends babies do ice baths and eat a full tomahawk steak (CNN)

A Delta plane flipped on a runway in Toronto, pilot claims smoking crack pre-flight had nothing to do with the accident (ABC)

A transgender and vegan cult murdered multiple people, members claim they did it to prove that vegans “could be scary too” (NYP)

Nikola Files for Bankruptcy 

Shockingly, the Electric Vehicle startup Nikola has filed for bankruptcy. The former golden child of silicon valley IPO’d in 2020 and subsequently skyrocketed in value. At one point it was worth over $30B - MORE than Ford Motors with only $90,000 in annual revenue. 

My 11 year old autistic cousin runs a lemonade during the summers. Last year he peaked and made just over $2000. According to the Nikola valuation math, his lemonade stand is worth 666 million dollars. 

So why did this happen? Well my dear the reader, the EV market jumped the gun. There’s nothing inherently wrong with EVs, and Tesla’s a great example of that. Tesla is like being a ladyboy and getting fake boobs. In 2012 when Tesla introduced the model S we had fake tits technology down to a science. If you were an effeminate Thai trans woman, fake tits were a great option. Just like if you were a rich white guy, a Tesla with 170 mile range and janky tech, was a fun luxury purchase. 

However, in 2020 when Nikola told the world they would build thousands of 18 wheel electric trucks, we should have known they were lying. Only 8 years after Tesla introduced fake tits, Nikola claimed they had mastered cock jobs. I don’t know if you’ve seen photos of fake penis surgeries, but the technology isn’t great. 

Here’s where things got fucked up with Nikola. The U.S. government came in and said in 10 years gas vehicles would be phased out, so the market got hyped and overvalued a shitty company like Nikola. It didn’t matter how many subsidies the government offered for these trucks, the tech just wasn’t there. 

Back to our trans analogy. Even though the government in 2020 was promising to fund 80% of your bottom surgery, it was highly inadvisable to take the gamble. In 2040 I’m sure fake dick technology will be amazing, and for all my trans homies out there, I can’t wait for you to strut your bionic cocks. But taking a meat cleaver to your hoohaa (see urban dictionary) in 2020 and trying to tell me that it works just as well as my diesel engine was a fucking stretch. 

So what’s the moral of the story? Engineers build amazing technology, hype doesn’t. I’m sure electric trucks will be incredible some day. But if a retard in the government with an environmental studies degree tries to legislate technology, call your Asian engineer friend Xi and see if he thinks it’s a good idea before you throw your life savings in the garbage. 

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Memes

I didn’t realize Anonymous had such strong meme game.

I’m mad I didn’t start this show.

I need this for our office.

Song of the Day

I’ve sent this song to multiple friends and it became their top song on spotify. There’s something about a female vocalist and a funky base that is addictive. Give it a listen.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital