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Accidently Overthrowing a Government
The billionaire founder of Jane Street accidently funded a coup in Africa...
Jack Kuveke
June 26, 2025
My wealthy friend who voted for Zohran sent me this
Good morning LPs,
When I was in my early 20s living in New York, I had multiple rich, spoiled, 22 year olds tell me “no one is in NYC in the weekends in the summer, they’re in the Hamptons”. I remember thinking to myself, “I clearly don’t have rich enough friends”. Well, I’m excited to report that 7 years later I’ve finally been invited to the Hamptons for the weekend. But I’ll know I’ve truly made it though when I get the holy trinity of invites The Hamptons, Jackson Hole, and Napa Valley.
Anyway let’s get into today’s newsletter.
Hard and Fast News
fake headlines, real news
Trump says “They don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.” in response to rumors Costco plans to raise the price of hot dog combo from $1.50. (NBC)
Republicans angered after socialist & jihadist elected as Democratic nominee in NYC mayoral race. “We can excuse some things, but not being a Democrat.” says GOP spokesperson. (AP)
FICO scores will factor in “Buy Now, Pay Later” loans in credit scores. Millions of Americans behind on burrito payments panic. (NYT)
ICE allows work-release for lawn maintenance amidst detaining a record 59,000 immigrants. “The American people have spoken and their lawns are clearly too long.” says Head of ICE. (CBS)
China unveils mosquito sized drone for battlefield reconnaissance. “We have received many request from cam girls. No, you can not livestream from inside you.” says Xi Jinping (Telegraph)
Cuomo gets strong endorsement from Bill Clinton which was sealed by participating in an Eiffel Tower over an intern. (Fox News)
Jane Street Founder Funds a Coup
Yesterday, Bloomberg reported that Robert Granieri, the founder of the quantitative trading firm Jane Street, accidentally gave $7M to fund a coup in South Sudan. The money that he thought was going to “humanitarian aid” was spent on “stinger missiles, AK-47s, and grenades”. Apparently the U.S. government was not happy about this.
If you’re asking yourself, “how the fuck did that happen”, you’re not alone but also you’re definitely poor. This could happen to the best of, and by best of us I mean anyone with $250M+. Back in the 1940s my grandfather sold steel all across Europe, and by all across Europe I mean to a country that loves sausages and Hugo boss suits. This was an honest but very profitable mistake and if you’re a player in the game you’ll have a couple oopsies like this along the way.
So basically what happened is these two Sudanese dudes, Peter Ajak and Abraham Keech, rolled up to Garnieri’s NYC condo and said they have a non-profit going to a good cause in Africa. It’s almost tax season so Robert is looking for any tax write off he can get. If you told him you had a charity that threw aborted fetuses into a volcano he’d probably toss it $3M bucks.
The reality is, these guys took advantage of Granieri. It’s not his responsibility to know where his gargantuan wealth is going. What I think is most crazy about this situation is that the U.S. government is upset about a citizen accidentally funding a coup. We all know Uncle Sam has been using American citizens' money to overthrow regimes for the last 80 years. So it would be nice for a change if they let us pick which coups we wanted our tax dollars to go to. (If that was an option on the ballot, I would probably vote for the first time in 10 years.)
Honestly we shouldn’t feel bad for old Granieri. Next year when he’s at the Met Gala, instead of telling people about the 3rd house he bought in the Hamptons he’ll have a much funner story to share.
If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter.
Memes
Even my mom who hates Trump found this clip hilarious (so you know it’s good).
Maybe I should have gotten a job at Deloitte.
If you’re a New Yorker, you’ll appreciate this.
Song of the Day
The first concert I ever went to was Chris Cornell in a theatre with ~200 seats. At the time I wasn’t a huge Soundgarden or Audio Slave fan, but after he played an acoustic version of Black Hole Sun I was hooked.
Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.
Me and my buddy Alex probably hearing something wildly inappropriate and laughing our assess off.
I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)
How was the newsletter today? |
That’s all for this week folks,
Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital
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