7 Layers of Hell

Good afternoon LPs,

Last week, I decided to fly to Lake Como, Italy, on a whim. For the past couple of days, I’ve been drinking wine, jumping off of 800-year-old Italian bridges, and avoiding human contact. It’s been divine. Also, even though I told my team, “I’ll definitely be working remotely,” it’s been nearly impossible to get an internet connection. So instead of pushing out no newsletter or shoddy work, today we’re going to be re-releasing a fan favorite newsletter from the past couple of years. We’ll be back to our regular schedule starting Thursday.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

Trump raises India tariffs 50% over an increase in scam calls. “They’re targeting the elderly who know no better. They’re taking it straight out of my playbook and thinking they don’t have to pay me,” commented Trump on the matter. (CNBC)

Joe Biden faces backlash for a tweet posted on the 80th anniversary of the Hiroshima bombing, reading “We’re gonna have a day of remembrance for the toilet after the nuke I just dropped in it.” Joe Biden issued an apology shortly after. (ABC)

Google DeepMind reveals Genie 3, a model that excels at creating world models. “With Grok giving us custom porn and Google giving us perfect worlds we never have to leave, you’ll never see us outside again,” said one Reddit moderator. (TechCrunch)

The Starbucks Problem

On Tuesday, Brian Niccol, CEO of Starbucks, released a video outlining drastic changes the company was making in order to combat declining revenue and brand trust. 

When you went to a coffee shop 12 years ago, the exchange was simple. You handed them $4.5, they gave you coffee, and then you milked their WIFI for 8 hours. 

Instead, here’s the average Starbucks experience in 2024. 

You walk up to Starbucks, and instead of automatic doors, there’s an angry homeless man holding the door open and requesting money. Without realizing it, you’ve entered the first layer of hell. 

Once you’re through the door, you encounter the 2nd layer. A 23-person line ordering things you didn’t know existed. You came here for a black cold brew, but now you see a 450-pound lady in front of you order a double mocha Frappuccino with Doritos flavored whipped cream, cinnamon sprinkles, and 12 pumps of Twinkies syrup. 

You finally get to the counter, aka the third layer, and the trans communist barista asks if you would like to support black lives matter. You don’t want black people to die, but you came here for fucking coffee. But good luck saying no, you’ll look like a white supremacist. So you give them $10 and move to the side to wait for your cold brew. 

Unbeknownst to you, you’ve entered the 4th layer of hell. You notice a weird smell, and you look to the left to see a homeless man literally masturbating in the corner. Since you’re in a liberal city, the staff is unable to call the police to remove him. 

To get away from this nightmare, you go to the bathroom, and this is when layer 5 hits you straight in the face. The door is locked, and beyond that threshold, you hear a man violently moaning. You can’t tell if it’s sexual or if he’s breathing his last breath, so you go back to sit down. 

It’s been 8 minutes, and somehow your black cold brew isn’t ready. So you go on the public WIFI to do a little shoppin,g and without knowing it, you entered and left the 6th layer of hell. All of your credit card information was stolen. 

Finally, a name is called that sounds vaguely like yours. It’s not your name, but you’ve been through this rodeo before, and you know it’s yours. You pick up the coffee and finally walk out the door. Just when you think this hellscape is over, you take a sip of your coffee. Uh oh, layer 7 has arrived. They fucked up your order. It tastes like dirt, and your coffee has 800 calories worth of invisible sugar syrup in it. 

What used to be the only 20 minutes of peace you had before 8 hours of corporate hell is now the worst part of your day. 

And that, my dear readers, is the problem the CEO of Starbucks is trying to solve.

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital, I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter. Memes

The greatest show of all time strikes again.

This is 100% accurate.

If you didn’t see this news, you’re missing out.

Song of the Day

For years, I only knew like the 2 most famous Kings of Leon songs. But a couple of months back, I discovered this track and it’s been in my regular rotation since. I feel like alt rock from this era was super hit or miss, so I was pleasantly surprised to like this song so much. Give it a listen.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital