$2B Seed Round

Good afternoon LPs,

Yesterday I got a massage from a midget. Let me explain before you heathens jump to conclusions. Late last week I booked a couples massage with my new roommate Ben to celebrate moving in together. Sadly when I got there they didn’t have any couples rooms left. Did I want to shoot the shit with my buddy while we laid naked next to each other? Yes, but I made do with what we had. What I wasn’t expecting was my masseuse to be a 4 foot 5 Oompa Loompa. Next time I’m making sure I book a 6 foot Ukrainian woman named Helga.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

Trump's annual physical showed a clean bill of health, proving that McDonalds, spray tans, and lying are key to longevity. (Newsweek)

Katy Perry lands safely back on earth after Blue Origin space flight. Reports show that if the flight had exploded, her record company would have released “Fireworks 2”. (The Guardian)

60% of Coachella tickets were financed with buy-now-pay-later options, attendees say, “seeing Green Day was the best investment of my life”. (X)

OpenAI Cofounders Raise Billions

Late last week both of OpenAI’s former co-founders, Ilya Sutskever and Mira Murati, announced billion dollar funding rounds for their new startups. 

Ilya’s company, Safe Superintelligence was founded 9 months ago in June of 2024, and has already reached a reported valuation of $34B.

Now you’re probably asking yourself 2 questions:

1. What do they do?

2. How much money are they making? 

The answer is:

1. Basically the plot of Terminator 2.

2. Zero dollars. 

But what they lack in revenue, product, and business acumen they more than make up for in vision: which is to build an AI agent that surpasses human intelligence. Now normally when you give 20 autistic guys unlimited amounts of money and no pressure to generate revenue, bad things happen. 

But they have the word Safe in their companies name, so we know they couldn’t do anything nefarious. For real, this is like if: 

• Jeffrey Epstein named his Island Child Daycare. 

• The Chernobyl Exclusion Zone rebranded to Cancer Free Area.

• Or if labor camps were called concentration camps to teach you the wonders of focus and hard work (oh wait). 

So that’s what Ilya is up to, so you’re probably wondering what the other OpenAI cofounder is doing. Good news, she’s actually building a really cool company and has incredible technology. 

Just kidding. Her company Thinking Machines Lab is raising a $2B seed round at a $10B valuation and to quote TechCrunch, “Thinking Machines Lab only recently emerged from stealth and has no product or revenue to speak of.”

What it does have is “dozens of high-profile AI researchers in its ranks”. 

Let me get this straight, all I need is a couple dozen nerds to get a $2B check? By that logic every single college esports club is worth $15B. 

It seems we’ve entered the SPAC era of AI startups. 

If these dog shit companies are worth $30B+ pre-revenue does that mean if they make $100M/year they’ll be worth $90 trillion? No one knows, but I’m excited to find out. 

I’m trying something new. If you refer 5 people to the newsletter I will personally write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation. So if you want the funniest recommendation of all time, you know what to do.

Memes

jabronicap

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Funding level: 100. Productivity level: -43.

Oh you thought being an intern would be fun?

jabronicap

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I think he’s cooked.

Song of the Day

Over the weekend I heard this song by The Brian Jonestown Massacre for the first time in years. It’s an absolute banger and sounds like it would pair incredibly well with a Quentin Tarantino movie.

Also do to popular request I’ve made a complete playlist of every song shared in the newsletter. Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital