Harvey Weinstein's Comeback

Good afternoon LPs,

Last night I watched two 1990s Michael Douglas movies in a row. I couldn’t help myself, I’ve been deprived of good movies for so long that my body needed to overload to get back to homeo-stasis. This was actually perfect timing, because today’s newsletter is going to be all about the movie industry.

Let’s get into it.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

SpaceX employees vote to turn the rocket launch site into a city, becoming the most autistic town in America. (Techcrunch)

Brazilian police were disappointed after they caught a suspect planning to bomb Lady Gaga's concert stating, “We unfortunately have to listen to poker face now.” (The Washington Post)

Mark Zuckerberg says Facebook is no longer good for connecting with family and friends, it’s better for sharing racist memes (Vanity Fair)

Trump to Impose 100% Tariffs on Foreign Movies

On Sunday Trump said that he would impose a 100% tariff on movies made outside of the U.S. The first set tariffs Trump were meant to bring manufacturing back to the U.S. and help blue-collar workers, the most disenfranchised group in America. This second round of tariffs aims to help the 2nd most disenfranchised group in America, the wealthy Hollywood elite. 

In case you haven’t noticed, movies have gotten 2-4x more expensive and the box offices aren’t keeping up. In 2000 Gladiator made $465M at box office with a budget of $110M. In 2024 Gladiator 2 made $462M at box office with a budget of $310M. Obviously Pedro Pascal is hot and we all want him to whisper “mi amor” into our ears as we tenderly make love - BUT that wasn’t enough to get us to watch that shitty sequel. 

So what happened to the movie industry? Our team of analysts have studied this problem and ruled out the following reasons for why movies suck ass in 2025:

• Lack of creativity and over-reliance on reboots that satisfy sad sex-deprived housewives cravings for nostalgia. 

• Gigantic over reliance on CGI when you could hire a redneck to rig a truck with actual explosives. 

• Movie producers pandering to woke retards who are insulted by literally everything. 

• Hollywood casting ugly people instead of actual hot people. 

So we can rule out this list for reasons why movies just aren’t the same. Which leads to the question, why do movies suck? The answer has been right in front of us the whole time.

There’s no easy way to say this, but the eradication of sexual deviancy and pedophilia in Hollywood has destroyed art. In the 90s on every movie set Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey were lurking in the shadows. The primal fear of nonconsensual butthole fingering made people perform their hearts out. This wasn’t limited to just hot actors and actresses. Every stunt man, practical effects coordinator, and makeup artist knew that if they didn’t bring their a-game, they weren’t gonna have to bring out their a-hole. 

As a sexual deviant himself and a personal friend to Harvey Weinstein for over 30 years Donald Trump understands this problem better than anyone. For years Hollywood has been making movies overseas in countries with strict no pedophilia on set policies. But not anymore. 

Trump is going to force movies to be made in the U.S. again, which is inevitably going to lead to unwanted taint-tickling. 

Let me be clear, I’m not happy about this. There’s absolutely no reason we have to resort to sexual misconduct to make great movies. We can get back to using good old fashioned wage slavery. Stop paying bad talent $70M for bad movies, instead use the Jabroni Capital method. If you don’t perform, you don’t get paid. 

Fear IS the greatest motivator, but fear of financial ruin is just as effective as sexual harassment. If nobody gets paid unless you hit certain capex multiples - producers aren’t going to cast ugly people, actors/actresses are going to act like their life depends on it, and Harvey Weinstein isn’t going to diddle a single person on set. Problem solved.

Come to Our Jabroni Capital Event in NYC

This Wednesday May 7th I’m hosting an invite only event for founders, VCs, and tech people in New York City.

The event will be limited to 50 people and no phones will be allowed.

You heard me right, we will be checking phones at the door. (Don’t worry, we’ll keep them secure and whenever you need it you’ll get it back).

We have less than 10 spots left, so if you’d like to come hang out with me and the Jabroni Capital team, register below.

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter.

Memes

modernist.productions

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The similarities are shocking.

archegoscapital

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If this is how I woke up on Mondays I’d defect to North Korea.

jabronicap

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This is what Jabroni Capital headquarters looks like.

Song of the Day

I discovered this song this weekend and I’m still not 100% sure why I like it so much. Which is why I’m sharing it with all of you, so you can tell me if it’s terrible and my gut instinct is wrong.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital